Victim of mollestation...

So, I was mollested as a kid right? It was going on for years before he was caught. I refused to see a counselor, & still can't talk to a stranger about it. It has made sex complicated for me. I have a very low sex drive & I'm not very adventurous. When I do think of something I may like, I'm too shy or awkward to say it. I have been sexually active with my husband for 8.5 years. He is big on "talk dirty to me" & like "tell me what u want" kinda thing & I just can't make myself do that much & when I do I inwardly cringe. The pos that abused me used to tell me things like "tell me u want to ride me" & make me tell him what "I" (really HE) wanted. Since I was on birth control I think that was part of why I never cared as much or got that into it. Now that I am off of birth control, I am feeling a little more into it & finding I want sex more & want to try new things. I wanted to try something & I tried to tell my SO in the middle of things & he couldn't hear me. Then I chickened out & he kept saying "say it again. Tell me." & he got mad at me bc I was getting upset. Then I was about to cry so I went to the restroom & he went & got a snack from the kitchen!! He knows I was mollested, but doesn't specifically know this trigger, because I never wanted him to know. I never wanted to allow the person that caused these feelings to have this control over me, but I guess I've lost that battle. I realize I need to explain it to him now & I will. & I may consider a counselor if my SO can't help me work through it, but I doubt I would feel ok w/ that.

I don't really have a ? or anything. I just can't talk to him right now because I'm too emotional & writing out things helps me clear my head.