My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. We were together for almost 3 years. We were finishing school. Trying to get our life in order. Figuring out who we were as individuals and as a couple. What our plan was after school. All that fun stuff. Granted, we had a lot of bumps in the road during all of that. Fights, disagreements, arguments for not good reason, etc. but at the end of the day, we worked them out.

He’s transferring to a university to finish his last two years of school. We knew he was doing this. We agreed that we would try long distance because of how much we loved each other. And we would try to see if we could make it work.

Well, when he finally go around to applying, the reality of him actually leaving hit him. And he got scared and backed out and said he didn’t want to try long distance because he didn’t want to be in a relationship when he left..

Anyways, we broke up.

We started to plan a future together. We have such a strong connection that I bet your bottom dollar that we would’ve made it through those 2 years of long-distance and come out 10x stronger. We planned trips. We even went to look at apartments once just on a random whim to get a glimpse of what our future together could look like. Our families loved each other. I loved his and he loved mine. We’d go on family trips. We had talked over finances and had those big adult conversations.

Granted, I am only about to turn 20 in April and he’s about to turn 21 in April as well. So we had a little while to go. But it’s the fact that we were committed to those things already and were just taking it day by day and step by step to get there.

But he left me. So easily. Because he got scared.

And I have friends that just bought a house and moved in with their significant other. I have friends that just got engaged. Friends getting married this year. I’m even in the bridal party of some of those weddings. I have friends that are already married. Friends that have already started their own little family with the love of their life.

And God I want to be happy for them. I really truly do. But I am so jealous of them. I had all of that. Maybe not exactly seeing as how I still live at home, I am not engaged or married, and I don’t have kids. Clearly I’m not in a relationship anymore..

I’m just so jealous. My friends will ask me to come over and hang out with them at their places and before I didn’t mind, but now, it kills me when I say yes. Before I was in a happy committed relationship that was takings it’s time to get to where some of my friends are (because why rush into those things?) and I wasn’t jealous because deep down I knew I would be where they are with him. But now, I spend time with them and see how happy they are and how in love they are and see how despite anything and everything...they never gave up. They never threw in the towel when things got rough or challenging and stuck by each other.

I wanted that with him. I still want that with him. I just want him back..

I don’t know... Am I a terrible person for feelings this way? I feel awful when I think about it, but I just can’t help it. I’ve never outwardly told any of my friends how hurt or upset or jealous it makes me. Because who am I to make them feel bad about something that isn’t even their fault?