Just really want to be with someone but I never let myself 😩

So it's been a really long time since I've been with someone sexually. About a year and a half since the last time I had actual intercourse and six months since I've given head and fooled around. Lately I've just really been wishing I had someone to please. Like don't get me wrong my pleasure is important to me too, but there's just something about getting a guy off. 😍 But any time I've gotten in a heated situation, I shut it down before it gets too far. I panic for some reason. The only person I have ever had actual intercourse with was someone I was with for a long time and loved very much. In my head, I think/talk a big game about being more open sexually and allowing myself to be comfortable with just sex. But when it comes down to it, that old part of me I buried a long time ago comes up and I shut down. I don't know how to get over it. I know it's okay to not be the kind of person that can just have sex without the love, but I don't understand how I'm so comforted/empowered by the thought of it when I can't even do it.