I really love this app for the support, encouragement, and mostly healthy debates that go on.

However, every day I see multiple anonymous posts from people (mostly women) who are really hurting. It’s usually a form of severe anxiety around their relationship and they feel lost, lonely, depressed, and/or stuck.

There is usually one person, at a minimum, who says “get counseling, together and individually.” While this is a good idea and the commenter is well-meaning, this advice is extremely lazy.

The OP is distressed and looking for support and relief. Chances are, this is something she’s been struggling with for some time and feels like there’s no one in her life that she can turn to. She’s seeking advice, encouragement, solidarity, and maybe even hope.

Even though counseling is a great idea for anyone, it is not readily available. I work in healthcare and it’s apparent how limited these services are in terms of provider availability. Even if you can find someone, are they contracted with the insurance plans? If someone has HMO, they’d need a referral first. If they don’t accept insurance, it can be $100-200 an hour. Not everyone can afford that. Then, do their hours work for what you need? You can’t exactly bring children to your adult session, so do they have somewhere reliable they can leave their children while they attend regular appointments? Then you’re also hoping you found someone whose personality and methods jive with what you need. Some places require the individual and couple therapist to be different, so that adds another layer.

My point is to be conscious that giving someone this advice doesn’t help them right now. They’re looking for understanding and solace, often in a very dark time in their life. They might be reaching out after crying in the bathroom for an hour feeling so alone and any positive, thoughtful response they get could help them feel the warmth of humanity again.

Try to give more thoughtful and responsible advice. Sure, mention counseling, but don’t leave it at that. For many people, the barriers to get into a counselors office render this advice useless. Even if you have no practical advice to offer, sending positive thoughts is kinder than simply telling them to seek counseling.

EDIT: My post is to those who write the very cold, one or few word responses that only say “counseling” or “see a counselor.” If you deliver the same advice with some substance and warmth, that’s not what I’m referring to. Counseling, if you have access to it, could be beneficial to everyone. I’m not anti-counseling. I’m anti-cold, thoughtless responses. It’s the way the message is delivered.