While engaged my husband cheated on me numerous of times. I didn’t find out about one of them until a week before our wedding. Only because one of them had the audacity to contact me. Of course once I found out I confronted him, foolish me I forgave him because he convinced me that they never meant anything. Or so I thought

I held it against him for the longest. Everyday it was a constant reminder that he was unfaithful and that I couldn’t trust him. Until he got tired of it while being away in another country. He asked for the divorce; but I also found out he contacted the girl that had the decency to tell me he was cheating on me. In those messages where he contacted her he told her “I was never genuinely happy with her.” “you’ve made me succumb your body, mind, and soul” “I’d have dreams of you and I” dear god my whole world came crumbling down. He said he wanted no contact with me. I did as he said, but in the meantime I was in therapy for chronic depression, in and out of the ER everyday. I cried for weeks with me seeing no hope. To top everything all off I had to go back to the home we once shared and gather up all my belongings. With him being away in another country made things a bit easier for me to be able to do that.

He didn’t know I was going. And the day I was there he messaged me telling me didn’t want to get divorced anymore. I payed no attention to it well because I was getting better. He wouldn’t stop contacting me (for someone who said he wanted nothing to do with me anymore)

Finally I got tired of it. With all the strength left in me I called him. I asked why now why the sudden change and his response was that it wasn’t sudden that it was a mistake for him to have asked me for it. I said well I got all of my belongings from YOUR house. He went into shock and under his breath all he could say was “what have I done” “I lost everything” “come back”. But I confronted him again about what he had recently told that girl and all he could say was “as fucked up as it sounds I had to tell her that, because I wanted to see if I loved you, it never felt right” but there’s a catch to it a day or two before he came crawling back to me he had asked her to marry her. Still the same previous answer to the one before.

Again here I am being a fool I took him back and that I would go back. Because I’m deeply in love with him ..

We were good for about a week or so, but she contacts him again. So quickly his feelings for me changed he asked if him and I could remain “friends” while still legally married I said okay (but I wasn’t going to let this slide and used it against him) he asked what I was doing and I replied that I was on my way to the ER. He asked why I said “I’m sorry I don’t talk about my person problems with my friends only family”. He wasn’t pleased with the answer I gave him. He said let just go back to the way things were. I didn’t take it into any consideration any longer.

I told him once he was back in the states he could fly back down to our home state and file for it himself because I wasn’t going to do it. It just turned into another argument.

I am still here begging for him to reconsider the whole divorce thing and he just says “you have to change and then we’ll see” but this is all over to a month ago. him asking for the divorce. Now we’re back in the same situation. As to where I’m depressed with no will to live anymore; because I am unable to bare with this pain any longer.

I even tired today to try and change his mind but he just kept say “we’ll see if you change” I begged him again something I shouldn’t have done. I cried, and he could care less about my state of being.

I am unsure of what I should do please help .. what is it that I’m doing wrong? Why am I the blame for it all. Why is it me that needs to change?

_________________________________