As you chased me down the stairs this morning because you thought my bag was packed to go - all I could think about is how unhinged you've become. Reminding me of my abusive alcoholic father who gave chase in his fits of rage. The one thing you know terrifies me - being chased. It's not just this last week that makes me think you've lost your mind. Looking back, it's been forever. It's been the entire time. You don't see me. You don't see what you've become. A monster that lurks in the night. A monster that calls me names for wearing make-up. A monster who has toyed with my emotions. A monster who is trying to make it so I don't succeed this time around. You've caused me to lose my focus - trying to take away the thing I want most. You've tried to make it so I can't study to get there.

You've caused turmoil so deep my heat bleeds black for you now. You addiction has become your mistress and will always be #1 to you. You keep piling lies on top of lies to keep your addiction a dirty little secret. They say addicts lie. I say fuck addicts and their fucking lies. Addiction doesn't give you the right to lie or to trash my life because you want me to be as miserable as you. I can't help you anymore. You won't help yourself. You keep making promises you don't even try to keep. You lie straight to my fucking face without any sense of remorse. I've finally figured it out - that you don't love me.

Your paranoia runs so deep, it could touch the ocean floor. I go to get food and run an errand and you blow my shit up because I'm gone for less than an hour.

I've never cheated. I've never lied. I've never come close to hurting you the way you hurt me. Maybe that broken nose is Karma for all the bad shit you've done to me. I really thought that it was going to be an eye opener for you, but I found out last night I was wrong. Everything you said the night before was all lies. Nothing good comes out of your mouth - except word vomit and shit to be flushed down a toilet of empty dreams of a life I once wanted with you. Nothing is ever truthful or pure or full of light. It's a dark fucking dungeon we're living in - it's depressing. I feel like I'm in the pit of despair. You've taken everything I had to give, and now I'm empty because of you. Drained and like a pool that just sits there never to be used again, with a dirty tarp covering it. No more laughter, no more fun.

The thing is, that no matter what I choose to do, I'll always love you. I will always question if I made the right choice. I'll always wonder if I'll ever love another man the way I love you. But I need out of this hole. I need to see the light of day again and feel the rays of sun beating down on my shoulders. I need to feel loved, appreciated, and loyalty and trust with someone again. I need it to be real and honest. This life is going to kill me and I'm about to crawl out of my skin.

I wish for once you could see the actual damage your addiction has done. I wish you'd stop trying to turn the table. And I wish for once you'd fucking own it.