Stupid.. long post

So, I wasn’t married for a year before I had an affair... I got roped back into my old lifestyle of wanting a “bad boy”.. my husband was so sweet, and caring, and I never questioned him.. and I ruined that.. we did have problems in our relationship, I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, I never wanted to kiss or love on him, but he was safe, and I did love him, but I don’t think I was every in love with him.. but I married him... and then I started getting attention from someone who had the worst reputation you could think of, and females literally flock to him.. but he was interested in me, and I didn’t turn him away... after a few weeks of talking and texting everyday ( I didn’t have to hide it from my husband because that’s how distant we were) and I slept with him. It went on a few more times until he cut me off because I was married and he started to feel bad... I told my husband the truth about everything and we separated by mutual decision, I moved back home with my parents until I could get on my feet. I was more sad about homeboy ending things, then I was about separating from my husband. When the dude found out I was separated. He wanted to hang out. So I did... we’ve been hanging out almost every day since. But I don’t trust him... and I sometimes find myself missing my husband. Especially when I don’t get the attention i want from ol boy. I’m so lost with what my heart and my head are telling me to do.. I know my husband and I could have a good life if we really tried, and we worked on things, but everyone he’s close to hates me now and I don’t think that I can show my face around them ever again.. and the boy, we have such a strong connection, so much attraction and intimacy, and we get along so well, but I constant wonder and worry if I’m being played.. I know I’m being selfish and I want my cake and to eat it too. But is it possible to want two people? I just want to be happy, because I haven’t been for so long. Even with my husband, which drove me to cheat which is no excuse, I know. I’m just lost and I don’t know who I am or what to do anymore.


Just so everyone knows, I haven’t contacted my husband about getting back together. I haven’t strung him along, I haven’t given him false hope. And I told him I want him to find happiness. I’m not being selfish with him. I’m letting him live his life; and letting him move on. Trust me. I know he deserves better. And I’m not allowing myself to get in the way of that.

But thank you for those who haven’t judged me, and for the advice. It has actually helped. I’ve suffered with mental issues my whole life, and I know in order to me to have a successful relationship with anyone, I’m going to have to work on that. One day I’ll figure all this out.