Hey guys, so story time... I’m in a little bit of a dilemma and need some advice...

Early in 2017 my husband and I decided we wanted to try and have a baby! So we BD sometimes and tried to have fun with it. But we probably started seriously “TRYING” in October. With no avail. No BFP. Nothing. Nada. Zip!

So back in mid January at my yearly checkup I was told by my OBGYN that I have a disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Which caused my irregular periods and hormonal imbalances.. due to this disorder I was told it was going to be basically impossible to predict when I’m ovulating (and almost impossible to get PG) being that my menstrual cycles varied so greatly. My OB told me that with the help of Ovulation was Predictor Kits (OPK) that I may be able to track during the months but to not put my hope in it. SO sad, upset, and with a heavy heart I left the appointment extremely discouraged. Yet, with hope I followed his orders. I went to my local WalGreens and picked up an OPK to try and chart my ovulation.

I tell my mom, my husbands mom, my best friend, my coworkers... PCOS! I’m infertile! They cry for me. They offer to pray for me. And I’m feeling really down and sorry for myself because I have this weight of a burden upon me. Am I NOT going to be able to bare a child for my husband? Am I NOT going to be able to carry on the family tree for my in laws?

.......Mean while everyone is celebrating and “ooo-ing” and “awe-ing” over my beloved sister-in-law. She is pregnant and due in June with a bouncing baby boy!! Oh, the heartache and pain. To see her SO happy with a full uterus? While I get what? “Pearls on my ovaries”? Gee. Thanks life! Must be nice to have things handed to you on a silver platter.......

MUCH to by surprise... Low and behold!!! That very same week after the appointment I was getting POSITIVE readings on these tests! So my husband and I were BD as much as we wanted! With the sad news from the OBGYN I figured it was only right to make the baby making fun instead of a chore since we may be TTC for a while...

LOW AND BE-freaking-HOLD!!

My period was due for February? Nothing.

A week later? Still no AF.

Time to test? BFP!!!!! (at 16-18 DPO)

SO after all that hooplah about “impossible”, “infertility”, “get ready for a long journey”, tears, anxiety attacks, and pain.... BANG. Pregnant. Now, please understand, I’m NOT upset! Not by any means! Rather I am THRILLED!!! and beyond excited.

Now here’s where my story takes a twist....

I

FEEL

SO

STUPID....

I let my mind get so wrapped up in anger towards my body, towards God, towards my OBGYN, towards my sister-in-law... I feel so guilty for those feelings. I feel like an idiot. Because the same week I found out that I was “infertile” I probably also conceived! How ironic.

Granted I am still very early on. As of today (if I did the calculations right) I am just at 6 weeks or 6w 1d. I haven’t been to my first trans-vaginal ultrasound. I haven’t had a doctors confirmation BUT I did have several BFP on a clearblue brand, first response brand, dollar general cheapies, and a clearblue digital test..... I will have to admit I am convinced.

So, my problem is HOW on God’s green earth do I go behind myself and sweep up all these broken pieces and tears from loved ones and friends? How do I tell these people, “Oh, that thing I said I had? Oh yeah, well, SURPRISE! Not as infertile as we thought!” ..... I just have so many feelings. So many precautions. So many doubts.

I worry that my sister in law will be mad that I am “stealing her thunder” and all the things she could say with it to our friends and family....

I worry my coworkers will think I’m crazy.

I worry my mother in law will be mad she shed tears over something that wasn’t even a problem to begin with.

I worry because of how rough on myself I was that I’ll have a rough pregnancy.

I’m just a girl with a heavy heart.

A girl who found out she’s pregnant.

A girl who has a sister in law who is also pregnant.

A girl with a lot of insecurities...

A girl who could use a good cry and probably a hug too.

If you made it this far THANK YOU for reading. I really just needed an outlet to speak my heart and I hope God blesses you like He has blessed me- even through my own selfishness.