Afraid to trust...
Here goes, so me and my SO have been together for 12 years, have two children together plan to get married very soon. We have both hurt each other in the past and have agreed to move forward but the thoughts of the most recent betrayal haunt me daily. I have not only forgiven my SO for betrayal but also looked for reasons as to why this happened and solutions to prevent it from happening again. 2 years My SO left me for another person and came back a month later but lied about being with anyone until I found out and presented irrefutable evidence. After spending months sincerely opening myself up and hoping to confront the reason for them leaving and trying to get my SO to be honest with me no matter how much the truth hurt, my SO and I talked it out and they admitted to wanting to move on but couldn’t be happy with the new person because they loved me. I felt as though I could forgive and it would never happen again. Although it wasn’t technically cheating, it destroyed me when my SO immediately began a new relationship and kept it hidden from me, going as far as keeping my daughter away from me for a month to keep the new relationship a secret. In that month I begged my SO to come back, cried, pleaded and attempted suicide twice and was hospitalized both times but my SO never came to see me while I was in the hospital. Despite all of this, I loved my SO enough to forgive. A year later, we began to have problems due to my schooling taking up a lot of my time and a temporary long distance put on us by our newborns hospitalization. My SO and I agreed that i would stay for school and work and they would be 3 hours away with the baby. During this time, I was frustrated that my SO wouldn’t understand that I was stressed out with school and my SO was frustrated with me not being there enough. It created animosity toward each other. One night, i found that my SO had been talking to her friends and said that they regretting leaving the person from last year for me and was unsure if they should stay. This angered me so much because I thought we had made progress. I brought it to my SOs attention and after a huge fight, I chose to ignore it for the time being due to the already massive stress we both had. My SO claims it was said out of anger and they didn’t mean it. A month later, my SO secretly got a new phone, new bank account and once I found out, I screamed “I don’t want to be with you” during an argument but didn’t mean it and immediately tried to work at things. But my SO took what I said literally (something ive said many times before in anger but we never actually split) and began to act shady again. For a month, my SO would take me back one day, have sex with me, then change their mind right after and say they didn’t want to be with me anymore. This devastated me and I was so distraught trying to win my SO back that my grades began slipping. I soon discovered my SO had readded the person they left me for which devastated me all over again. My SO insisted that it was only to make me mad but refused to let me see their phone. ( On the days they were with me) After a month of this, my SO finally decided that they wanted to be with me for real and came back to me saying because I was “so persistent” but not before I dropped out of school while trying to reconcile. I didn’t feel right about the situation at all and was ashamed of myself for loving them so much to put up with it. After 2 months trying to ignore it and move on, I discovered my SO slept with the person from last year and tried to lie to me when confronted. After a talk, my SO apologized and once again...I forgave but I don’t feel like they truly understand how selfish and destructive this was because of the lies and the defensiveness they displayed. I’m still healing and some days I wonder if I forgave too quickly and it depresses me. My SO reacts with anger and says things like “why won’t you just let it go I said I was sorry” and “ it will never happen again” just like last year. I’m afraid to continue this relationship and get hurt again, but I love my SO so much that I don’t want to give up. I try to talk and make my SO open up but it’s gotten us nowhere as my SO just lies. To add even more insult to injury, I discovered that my SO was already sleeping with this person before leaving me 2 years ago and even had unprotected sex with this person.................💔
What can I do?? I dont want to leave them....in my head I know I shouldn’t put up with it, but my heart won’t give up. Any suggestions? Is there anything we can do to restore trust and fix the damage? Counseling is already scheduled. Why would my SO do this again? Why would my SO leave me for the same person? Why would that person take my SO back? Why did my SO come back to me again? Does my SO love me like they say they do and truly feel remorse? Sorry for the long post and I appreciate the advice!
My SO never told the other person the second time about being back with me. I secretly found out that they were STILL talking this most recent time she came back. The other person seemed to want a booty call, I responded pretending to be my SO saying “we can hang when Jackie’s not home” and the person didn’t seem to mind. Should I confront the other person as myself? Why would my SO keep talking to this person and what can I do to fix this?