help, all.

I started applying for jobs in China back in November, found one j like in January, and just got my permit to go from the government today.

problem was.... I spent the last two weeks wondering if I would even get the permit and begin looking for jobs as a back up. I started to feel comfortable with the backup ideas, kept watching my fave shows, and even ran into my third grade crush for the first time in years at the gym yesterday. I'm about to start my period and was super horny yesterday and today, and now after getting this permit, I'm freaking scared. is it the right choice? will I be ok career-wise? I'm so worried. I've wanted to go back to China for YEARS, and now that the timing is right, I'm freaking out.

and, it's nearly midnight and I hear my mom sobbing. she's petrified of China and the stories she grew up with about the atrocities to the people. that's not my experience, and I feel so guilty that I feel angry at her for being this way about this move. I'm being independent, I've been suicidal and depressed living this life here in CA, I would stay with her, but my dad insists I leave to go on my own and I'm like what's the point? I have no point of life outside of my relationship with my parents, and China has been the one exciting glimmer of hope for me. it sounds toxic, and it probably is, but I was feeling better about finding work in socal this last week or so, and now this happens. I can't back out-- not just cause I owe these people for them paying for my work permit, but because life has been light BECAUSE I will be making a change. I feel better around my parents, my dad has in mind I'm leaving. I'm almost angry and frustrated and hateful towards both of them for this right now.

again, I'm supposed to start my period today or tomorrow, and this all just feels like too much. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be suicidal, and I don't want to hate life anymore. but things keep happening and being so good damn insecure (I'm sorry monotheists :( ) that I don't want to keep dealing with this and it all sucks.im sorry, like I said I just don't know what to do except keep with the plan I have set in motion, starting from years ago. thank you.