So, I moved to Germany 6 months ago for my boyfriend from NYC because of school and because he had a better job than me so the opportunity were better this way. I’m not a person who goes through peoples phones and invades their privacy. This happened after we were at party from his work place and I started to dance with one of his coworkers who could be my dad. It was something so innocent and dancing 3ft away from each other and for no more than 10 seconds. I said I didn’t want to dance. But obviously, my boyfriend got really jealous, pulled me aside and cursed at me. When we got home he was really drunk and so I decided to see why would he be so angry because a man who gets so overprotective shouldn’t have anything to hide. So I went through his phone and he had all this nudes of his ex. It broke my heart and I didn’t sleep the whole night. I told him in the morning what I did because i couldn’t lie. He was so pissed and changed his password after he said that he didn’t care about her and that he just forgot that they were there. Then he came home from work and told me he deleted them. He changed his passcode back to his old one. I asked to please delete everything from other women or to simply put them somewhere I would never find because we would have a bigger problem than this. I said this because he was with this woman for 8yrs and lived together for 3yrs. He promised he would do this but he didn’t. No more than some week later I found a lot of sex videos and more nudes he had with his ex. They were old but still hurt like hell. Either he was watching them or sent them to his account after we were already together. I know this because it was the date on google drive. At this point I was still in NYC and we had a long distance relationship. I found out when I was already here. I cried and thought about leaving for good and never look back. He cried and I could actually see the pain in his eyes and how bad he felt for causing me this pain. He deleted them in front of me and swore he would search his computer and everywhere else where he thought might be something left. Again, I forgave him after rethinking things through and wondering if I could keep on with this relationship.

Since before, he follows all this “IG models” who are naked or always showing off some skin. My boyfriend is the kind of guy who thinks that his woman should only do those things for her man and yet here he is being so hypocritical. The man who so many times told me that my pictures where showing the shape of my boobs and that I should delete all these men on my Instagram. I did that because in my mind, I was with him and those are things that I should save for the bedroom and our intimacy and deleted the men because I didn’t know all these strangers.

Then, I found out that while I’m in the shower or he’s in the shower, he looks up naked women or porn and I know this because I use his iPad to watch shows and what not and the history stays because it’s connected to his iPhone. I also asked if he still watches porn and he told me that yes “maybe once or twice a month.”

I am having anxiety attacks and honestly this is taking a toll on me. I feel so ugly and lonely. Like, I’m not good enough. That I don’t have the body he wants me to have. I just feel so insecure and self conscious.

I tried to bring it to his attention a lot but he doesn’t understand how this is affecting me on a mental level. I’m considering leaving every single day because of his ways.

He tells me how much he loves me everyday and he’s really sweet. Always takes me everywhere even to poker night with his friends because he doesn’t want me to be myself since I have no friends yet. He’s also really attentive. Cooks, cleans, he’s providing for the both of us at this time because I’m still looking for a job and always have little details with me.

This doesn’t help at all. Doesn’t matter how much he says sweet things to me I feel like I will never be enough.

I don’t follow men who have abs and who I find attractive because I think it’s disrespectful to him but at this point I’m starting to not care about it because if he can then why cant I? Problem is, all I’m thinking is ‘will it always be like this? Will I change who I am because he’s not the man I want him to be and will I always accept that he looks at other women because he finds them attractive?’ I really wouldn’t care if he looked at women on his own time but the fact that he’s basically robbing it on my face by publicly following these women, really bothers me.

I love this man and at points I think of marrying him having a family but then I also look in the mirror and ask myself if it’s really worth it?

Thank you for taking the time to read this,

Feel free to comment your I opinions. I need help and I would like to know if I am overreacting or if I’m becoming obsessive about this topic.