Before I get into the why I am debating, I just want to apologize to the women that are praying for a child and someone like me gets pregnant. Honestly, I’m super empathetic to the situation and I understand. And also I know this app is for support and my decision is up to me. I’m just looking for more voices to help me and to help with this deep evaluation I have to do. But okay here’s my story...

Even before my boyfriend, I was a very depressive child/teenager and dealt with mood swings and was constantly labeled as emotional.. with this I would always say I don’t want kids because I’m not fit to be a health role model for them. But fast forward to now, I am 20 going to be 21 on the 5th of March. I am 5 weeks pregnant. The father of my child is my boyfriend of a year and 5 months. He is my first love and we experienced true love on a deep level. But things went south, I broke his trust and he has anger issues and problems with expressing his emotions. Our foundation right now is shit. There is no trust and we constantly disrespect shit. Even while working on it, it’s still problems. It’s been this REALLY bad since fall of 2017. (Tbh sometime I cant be honest with myself, but I saw from the beginning maybe we had way too many issues but the love felt too real). On a day in December, he butt-dialed speaking on how pretty some girls were. This crush me because we had just had a breakthrough where he told me I was emotionally unavailable and I lied to him and hurted him. This event led me to start self-doubting and believe he didn’t want me and the whole “I can’t live without him blah blah”... so with a mix of other deep emotional pain (and being bipolar: manic episode) in other areas of my life, I tried to commit suicide. He was there by my side but the emotional pain I was suffering from was killing me. So I was released from the hospital and went home, it was Christmas and we had a talk... but things still got we’re bad. I knew we still both had hurt feelings and lowkey was kinda sick of each other to a degree. So I admitted myself to a behavioral hospital because suicide was a constant thought. While there, I learned a lot but even inside he treated me negatively (thinking I was cheating blah blah). I learned a lot from the hospital and tried to get back on my feet... but I didn’t have support (no friends and my family is toxic) and I just was depressed after getting out. We still argued. We had the issue of his past pain from me lying while I’m dealing with his anger and lack of emotional support for me in my times of need while also dealing with feeling dead inside.

Now it’s 2 months later and I’m pregnant. Just before finding out I came to a deep conclusion that we can keep trying to fix this... it’s just not meant to be. We can do all the praying and argue and come back and discuss and make love and it will still be hurt feelings between us. Between these two months I would try to break up with him but he would throw in my face that I’m trying to run away from the things I did. Sometimes I think he manipulating me or he’s just really hurt, honestly idk now. We don’t trust each other and we’re about to have a baby. I just believe having the baby I will always have this connection with this him that will remind me of the lowest point of my life. But I don’t want to abort because I feel it will emotionally impact me heavy. He says he want us together and not raising the baby apart but if we keep it, I think that would be for the best. But now I’m having thoughts of just terminating it all together.

YALL I KNOW THIS IS HELLA MESSY AND JUST STRAIGHT HELL. I’m staying strong everyday and keeping my faith. I believe I can be a mom but that could just be fairytale thinking, to be realistic I’m trying to emotionally heal and this may be setback or a pusher.. who knows.

Guys I would love to hear your feedback and if you got this far you are truly an angel ☺️💕