Advice?

I went to a friends bfs house and was smoking weed and her drug dealer sexually abused me.

Looking back I think her bf got paid! That was when I was 15 I’m now 20

Anyway I only ever FULLY told my ex bf who was twice my age, when I took an overdose my parents blamed him so he told them I have been abused but didn’t go into detail! And parents never asked! But then my ex started calling me horrible names and verbally abusing me!

I have been into this guy since before it happened (since I was about 12/13) but we’ve never been together because I didn’t think he liked me and visa versa! I think I love him but I don’t want to commit because I know I should tell him and while I know he’d never hurt me with it, I just feel like i don’t want him to feel “sorry” for me! I don’t want pity that’s why I only told 1 person!

I just dunno how do I deal with it? How do I get rid of flashbacks? How do I make sex less scary? And how do I learn to say no again?

Any suggestions or comments on your mental recovery? Should I tell him or should I just see how we go on?