Hard lonely times

You know I never do anything and expect something in return. Maybe a thank you and a smile or a hug.

But sometimes you wonder what it counts for?

I’m sitting here on my bed, hungry yet sick, nothing to soothe my burning throat from being constantly sick, having had girls I would have called close friends send me empty messages saying “I’m here if you need” and “how are you today,I want deets!” I guess my reply was too honest for I said “I’m weak, I’m sick, I can’t find anything to eat, it’s getting lonely...”

I’ve never really beat around the bush. I’m direct! But I’m also desperate. And I gotta say I’m shocked.

No one has dropped by to offer company or a shoulder, those who are close and drive past me each day didn’t even send a reply for my answer. What?

What happened to the sisterhood we’ve been working to protect? We all here just for the fun fluffy stuff? When it’s real - I’ll let her deal. Well, I’m lonely, exhausted and flabbergasted. Not one single mate. Not one.

My man on the other hand has stepped up like nothing else! Shopping, cooking, cleaning, walking the dogs and working his butt off! My one true best friend, there for me. Taking care of me.

So as I quiver over whether this feeling in my belly -is this something I can hold down or hang on- it’s coming up. I can fairly say I don’t feel like putting myself out for anyone anymore. If it’s picking up someone’s kid and taking them to ballet while single mum is crook or last minute babysitting when I had plans or dropping in with some biscuits and tea to comfort a soul. I don’t feel like doing that. Not in this moment. This is raw. And it sucks cause that’s not in my nature. And I know I’m not being honest cause I know I’ll be there to do those things despite this.

I guess this means that maybe I do

expect something in return? Cause right now my friendship to others has no value. Maybe I reached out to the wrong ones? Maybe there is someone I know who genuinely meant- if you need anything, just ask.

I don’t know, but this is the six week in a row where I’ve sat here, lonely, sick, exhausted and craving something that’s not here. And it’s not pleasant.

I wish for my Mumma more than ever. She would have this covered. Offer me strength and show me how to hold my head high and smile no matter how I feel.

And yes my inner circle of girls do know I’m pregnant!

Am