Miscarriage. What they dont tell you. My experience.
So I went for a emergency scan at 10+5 weeks as I was bleeding a bit only to be told that my baby had no heart beat and was measuring 8+5 weeks. We had a scan at 7+1 weeks and there was a heartbeat then. Absolutely devastated doesn't even cut it.
They let me see the pictures of the scan and talked me through them but I had to ask for this. They then took us to the room next door and just left us there waiting for a doctor to "talk through my options" although I already knew what I was going to do. There was only one way for me to deal with this and that was naturally. So after a while the nurse came in and said the doctor would be 15mins , we didn't want to sit in this empty room any longer as we could now hear someone else having a scan in the room next to us so we waited outside. Time passed, the nurse called us in to see the doctor. Doctor talked us through options quickly as he knew I wanted to wait it out and deal with it at home. Took some bloods. The doctor was actually really good and helpful and has put us through to fertility screening in a few weeks as this is my 3rd miscarriage in a row.
Finally I got to go home. I had cramps all afternoon and evening. Late evening they got really really bad. Like full on labour pains. The nurses did not mention this to me at all. I knew I would have pain but jeeze this was full on I sat up in my knees leaning over the arm of the sofa with a hot water bottle on my stomach. Then I felt a gush of what I thought was just some blood. But no. My waters had broke! I went to the toilet and passed a fair few large clots. I spent ages on the loo pushing and passing clots, I was so tired and worn out, dizzy and light headed and then I pushed my baby out! Never was I ready for that! So small yet so perfect, fingers and all. I broke down never have I cried so much. I didn't want to let her go I just held her crying and crying. I got my OH to get a zippy food bag and put some water in it and placed our baby in there. She looked so alive as the water made her move around. I could see so much more clearly when she was in the water. Absolutely perfect just a tiny baby. I passed the sac and placenta after and the cramps still didn't go. I was so exhausted I fell asleep but woke to pass more clots and more placenta again these came with cramps. I looked at my baby in the water for so long I took some photos of her too, I'm so glad I did this , I don't think I would be able to deal with this without them beautiful pictures of our baby. The night passed and the morning came. I went straight to see my baby. So beautiful and peaceful. I knew she was going to the hospital in the morning as I was told so they could run tests, so I spent all my time with her. I got my OH to take her to the hospital no way could I do this I wouldn't let them take her. I didnt even want my OH to take her but knew it had to be done. My heart feels so empty having to give birth with full on labour and having nothing to show for it in the end is really really hard to deal with.
The hospital called the day after to see how I was. I didn't want to speak to them so they spoke to my OH. They said to him they were in two minds weather to let me go home to deal with it myself because of the size of the baby. They didn't say this to me in the hospital although I still would have delt with this at home but would maybe have more of an idea what to expect.
Every day , hour and minute that passes I think of our baby I miss her so much and want nothing more than for her to be back in my belly growing as she should.
I passed more placenta 3 days after too.
I have had constant headaches since and I don't know if it's from the blood loss, the truma or the hormones running wild still.
I feel so sad and lonely like a part of me is missing. I cry so hard my OH said I've been with you 10 years and I've never seen you like this. He thought he had lost me like I had gone crazy. And to top it off my boobs have started leaking to. Just another reminder I dont have my baby to feed. I miss my little bump too :(
I'm so glad I did choose to do this at home even though the pain was horrendous I could be at home in my own space and hold and watch my baby as long as I liked and I could cry as much as I wanted to.
I would have felt so uncomfortable dealing with this in the hospital and not getting to have my time with my baby. I would never be able to bring myself to have a d&c either as to me it's way too much like the abortion process and I wouldn't let them even get the chance to scrap my baby out and maybe damage her. Also I was hanging on to the glimmer of hope that they were wrong and there was a heartbeat. But sadly this time they were right.
~~~May my beautiful baby be forever peaceful~~~
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