so i've liked this guy for about a year and a half. a couple months ago he told my best friend that he thought i was cute. so we talked a bit and just did friendly things like walk together and my poor attempt to flirt with him.

anyway, last month i had to do concessions (it was for prom since i decided last minute to go to it) when he heard i was going he came along. Long story short, we flirted, held hands, we hugged each other, he slapped my arse, etc etc.

((by the way, just in case some of y'all are wondering: i'm 16 going to be 17 in april. he's already 17. we're both juniors in high school))

((slightly sexual stuff))

at the end of the night, my friend, him, and his friend dropped me off. on the way to my house, he put his arm around my shoulder and i thought it was a small idea to bite him. i didn't bite him too hard just soft nibbles. he told me to continue and i did. i continued to do till we arrived to my house.

later on that night, my friend messaged me on sc informing me that i gave ((let's call him C)) a erection. which i kind of felt bad because honestly i didn't mean to. she told me that he enjoyed it and all that jazz.

((also our friendship is v v v close. like we tell each other our fantasies and just naughty stuff that you don't tell your other friends))

continuing, after a couple days, C finally messaged me and we just talked about that night and other dirty stuff. i wasn't really into our conversation because well i didn't want to talk about that stuff. i wanted like cute stuff that you read on tumblr or instagram, but we didn't do that. so i lost interest and ignored him. he would double text me asking me why i was ignoring him. i should've been honest with him and told him i didn't like our conversation, but i didn't. we didn't talk for i don't know about a month.

after that passed, i felt guilty and i apologized and all that. he would read it, but didn't respond to me. i understood (??) if he didn't want to talk to me. heck, if he did the same to me i wouldn't respond either. couple of weeks went by and we were back to our normal flirty selves.

problem was that he would message me the next day. just like that one couple on tinder who didn't talk to each other till the next month.

fast forward to now, last night i had a dream about him that he was talking to some other girl and he looked so happy. i wanted him to be happy, but i wanted that girl to be me. me being the one to cuddle him, me being the one to hold hands with him, me being the one to kiss him. it's been a week since i messaged him. i woke up at 5:30 am to message my friend about my dream and she told me that i'm in love with him. im 16 i don't believe in love. i think that love was just a chemical reaction. it's the same reaction that girls get when their on their period and they see a package of dark chocolate.

i was in denial. i admit i had strong feelings for him but i wasn't in love. i was going to tell him that i had strong feelings towards him, but he wasn't at school today.

i saw my friend walking down the hallway and we just talked about the whole thing. she, then, tells me that apparently he's talking to some other girl. and i got so upset i was crying all during lunch. i ranted to my geometry teacher and ugly cried to him. i know that's weird to say that you talk to your teacher about this stuff, but he's a cool teacher and he understood me and my friends had to explain it to him on what happened because i was crying to hard. my eyes were swollen and just sore.

i miss him so much. i miss his hands touching mine, i miss his weird laugh that i find adorable, i miss his presence. i wish he was mine, but i can't have him because now he belongs to someone else.

i just don't know to do now. all i know is that it's going to be a while for me to get over him. and i just hope that we can still be friends and talk to each other. i blame myself for all of this because i'm not a very affectionate person. i don't know how to express my emotions. i've never had a serious relationship before, i just wished that he was mine.

i apologise for this long story, this is my first time posting in this app. thank you for everyone who took the time to read this. i'm sorry about the grammar and if it did not make any sense. it's 10:16 and i just have so much going on in my mind and my heart.