Period was 4 days late. I'm ALWAYS on time. Like literally...my cycles are textbook. And sex was right on time during my fertile days. I had symptoms like bouts of nausea, headaches, weird cramps, frequent urination, major fatigue, etc. So I get suspicious....but I've been trying for 4 years and am so tired of the cyclical "getting my hopes up" every single month only to be crushed for the millionth time. So I didn't test...I feel like that jinxes it (lol). I made myself wait 4 long days (I was planning on waiting a week before testing)...while each day I fully expected to start my period. But since nothing had happened (and I foolishly let myself get excited), this morning at work I whispered to my close friend who knows my story that I was late and no joke, 5 minutes later I went to go pee and there was bright red blood on the tissue.

I can't even describe the disappointment and emptiness I feel. I didn't even want to tell my fiance because I'm so damn tired of the same news. I feel like crying about it is just overdone and that he's fed up with me being pissed and depressed each month. It's always the same result but every time my devastation amplifies because I always let myself get my hopes up.

**update - ANOTHER Instagram pregnancy announcement from someone who already has two kids has me sitting in the wal mart parking lot crying. being upset around my fiance just causes conflict and I feel like Im not allowed to be upset around him. so here I am having a vent session. just need to cry I guess