The reason I stay up all night is because of you. I stay up and worry. Worry that you only got with me because of my age. Worry that you're not attracted to me, that I'm not enough for you. I don't bring anything to the relationship, I never have besides sex. And it's not even the type of sex that you want. Worry that when we're having sex you're thinking about one of the girls you talked to or thinking about some video you've watched, anything but me. I think all the time that I need to get a job, so I can save money in case you leave me. I worry about Natalie finding out about what you did and thinking I'm weak. And I do think I'm weak all the time for staying, for wanting to please you, for loving you. And sometimes I resent you so much, I can't stand it. For ruining what I thought was a good relationship, or more like revealing yourself. Because this was never a good relationship was it? I was just a broken thing wanting to be loved and I thought I found my savior. But you turned out to be another wolf in sheep's clothing. And you always say why would I do the things that I've done if I don't love you. I don't know why. Maybe to prove to yourself that you could be in a relationship or to prove to your family who said you couldn't. To make me think that you love me. I don't know and that's what drives me crazy. I can't get to the bottom of what you want from me. Because I've given you everything but it still doesn't seem like enough for you. You were still looking for something else while I thought I had everything. I didn't ever think about other men and when I said things it was only to tease you because no one's been jealous over me before. I liked seeing it. While I was feeling safe and happy with us you weren't. If you were you wouldn't of been talking to other girls. Telling me you loved me for the first time and a couple of days later telling another girl what you wanted to do to her. Everything between us is tainted for me now. Like glass shattered put back together and you can still see the cracks. Moving in together, telling me you love me, me buying a cake for our six months, booking a cabin around the same time for our 1 year anniversary because I was so sure we'd be together, our relationship felt that right. That trip, telling you I was pregnant, you proposing, me giving birth to our daughter. Shattered all of it. Broken and I feel like a fool. I feel so stupid, going along thinking everything's fine that you wanted only me but you were texting other girls. Dozens of them. And everything is bittersweet to me now. I can't think about those things without thinking about what you were doing in private. And I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. And that I'm still probably never going to be good enough for you. But I was never good enough for anyone so I don't know why this even hurts me. I should be used to it by now but 🤷. Just wanted you to know what keeps me awake even though when you ask I say I don't know.