So this was my first pregnancy. We weren't even trying when I got pregnant. I found out a little under 5 weeks. I was previously in a car accident(not knowing I was pregnant). So after I found out I went to the hospital to get checked out to make sure the baby was okay. The ultrasound tech said I looked a little under 5 weeks. The next day we received a phone call from her saying she didn't know if it was the baby or not. She said it just looked like a hole where the baby should have been. Me being hopeful I didn't stress about it. I still made my first appointment and still went. At that point I was 8 weeks and 2 days along. The nurse said that she couldn't find a heartbeat. She was trying to be hopeful and told me she just thought I wasn't as far along as I may have thought. She also had mentioned it could be a miscarriage. She made me another appointment for one week later the see if the baby was developing like it was suppose to. 4 days later I woke up with heavy bleeding and rushed to the hospital. The doctor came in and took blood. He asked a few questions then he left. He came back in the room an hour later to reveal that my levels had gone from 5600 to 1300. He told me how sorry he was and left. I couldn't even breath. I was so beyond devastated. I don't even think devastated covers how I felt. I couldn't even get out of the hospital bed. My boyfriend had to carry me. He just held me and told me how sorry he was and told me we would get through this together. In the same day my mother decided it would be a good idea to get us out of the house and do something for ourselves. So we went out to eat. I used the bathroom before we left and my baby along with the yolk sac actually came out. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stop looking at my baby. My heart had literally just shattered. and then she decided to take us to babies r us because my sister is also pregnant and just found out she's having a girl. I walked in and looked around and started balling. Every time I saw a pregnant woman I wanted to fall to my knees and cry. I ran out and just waited in the car. When we got home and even the ride home all my mom could talk about was us having another baby and wanting to keep all the stuff we already have. She even asked if my sister could have some outfits we had bought for our baby. I had to leave. I went back to his house with his parents who are beyond supportive as I go through this. We had an us day and spent a lot of time together and just talked about our baby. We both decided to help with the grieving we want to get tattoos in memoriam for our child. I haven't ate much the past 2 days I can't sleep. I can't do anything without wanting to cry. My boyfriend and his family are very supportive through all of this. I don't know what I would do without them. I don't know how to deal with this. I lost my baby at 8 weeks and 6 days. Every time I go to the bathroom and see the blood I cannot stop crying. Boyfriend is really upset. He is handling it better than I am. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to school. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed and cry. All I want is to wake up and this all be a nightmare. I've never felt so hurt in my life. I truly don't know how to handle this. I just keep thinking how I won't get to hear my baby's heart beating. I won't get to feel my baby move around or kick. I won't get to feel anything. It may sound selfish but it's not fair. My sister gets to celebrate her pregnancy and do all the things I should be doing. It's not fair. I don't have my baby. I'll never know if I was having a son or a daughter. I'll never get to know who my baby would have looked like. I'll never get to do any of those things with this baby. It's not fair all these woman who do not need or want their children and still have them. I do everything right, have a job, a car, and can take care of my baby and I still lose my child. How can that possibility be fair? Am I the only one who feels this way? I just don't know if this pain will ever go away. I don't even wanna be intimate with my boyfriend at this point. I don't know when I'll be ready to have sex again. I know he's hurting. He just doesn't show it as much as I do. I want to try to have another baby eventually after i start to feel better again. This made me want a baby. But at the same time absolutely terrified of trying. He didn't even want this baby in the beginning so I don't think he would want to actually try. How would I bring that up? He has told me he was finally getting use to the fact that he was going to be a dad and he wants a child. He just doesn't think now or really anytime soon would be a good idea. I don't know when I'll feel better. I don't know when this depression will go away. And I really don't know what to do to help with it either. My boyfriend has really helped me a lot. He's done nothing but comfort me and be there for me. I love him with all of my heart. This miscarriage has brought us so close together. I'm tired of feeling like I'm headed in a downward spiral and I just don't know where else to turn. I just needed to vent. :(