Okay so ive been beating myself up for a little over a year over a particular event. Im scared to get help because I feel like it’s my fault and not referred to as rape but me just being a fucking idiot. The only way I will get your honest input is if I tell you every detail of the story so stay with me. I started talking to this guy through Instagram that was older than me and graduated from my school a couple years back. After talking he wanted to meet up and I said I would but I didn’t wanna have sex with him.... and he promised we wouldn’t have to have sex we could just hang out. So I went over and from the start he started making out with me being really touchy and I hesitated telling him that I didn’t wanna do all this stuff because I. Didn’t. Want. To. Have. Sex. And he said that was fine and it kinda escalated to oral stuff but throughout the whole thing I told him I didn’t wanna have sex... I didn’t wanna go further because after all I was still a virgin and not comfortable. He said alright but eventually got fed up. He got over top of me and told me word for word “I know you don’t wanna have sex but I really wanna have sex with you” and I said yea well I just don’t really wanna. But then he just started to go inside me and I panicked and pulled away with him still completely over top of me and i tried making an excuse “I’m

Not on birth control.” I hoped this would work but he leaned over and grabbed a condom and proceeded. As he was doing it I told him it hurt and i just wanted to stop but eventually I realized he was a lot bigger than me and I was stuck and scared. But this is where I fucked up. I just wanted it all to stop and I knew the one thing that would end it... if I made him finish. So I moaned and played along and he finished in seconds and it was finally over. I left and that night I texted him “thank you”. I was trying to convince myself he did me a favor and that it was what I wanted but here I am a year later still having nightmares and smelling things from the event that pull me back to him saying “i know you don’t wanna have sex but I really wanna have Sex with you.” I quit everything I was involved in and dropped all my friends. I stay in bed and think about what happened over and over. I want to get help but I’m scared. Scared that because I moaned it wasn’t rape and I’m just stupid. I’m hoping that some Input will help me heal and maybe go an hour without thinking about it. If you made it this far thank you for listening.