There are still so many things I have to learn in this world. And many things I won’t ever understand. Before having my son, I can admit that I really didn’t have respect for women as much as I do now. Not because I thought I was better, I just didn’t really realize what they go through. Maybe it was due to me not having my mother in most of my life, I don’t know. For starters, pregnancy isn’t easy. Your body changes, your skin, hair, weight, body type, it’s all different. Then you give birth, which is just insane...this baby comes out of you. You have to learn how to breastfeed, pump, feed, pump, feed it feels like it never ends. Even in the middle of the night you are pumping because your breasts hurt so much you can’t take the pressure. Then you get mastitis, your body is still in shock so you just lose control and start to shake from the high fever and intense chills. Then you continue to get mastitis, you are already at your breaking point because ever 1.5 hours through the day and night your beautiful baby is HUNGRY and they aren’t quiet about it either. By the time you are done feeding, pumping, changing, you have no time to eat. Even with help it feels impossible. You look in the mirror and you don’t even know who you are anymore. All you want is to smell fresh air but you still have a fever, you feel like you need to go to the hospital. And you have to stop and ask yourself if you can keep doing this. Some women will continue to breastfeed and some will make the decision to stop. Which isn’t only difficult for you, but for your baby that you love more than anything in the entire world you just cry thinking about it. Not to mention the judgement from others. So now it’s just you, the extra help you had has now gone back to their lives. That is if you were even lucky enough to have a helping hand. You are all alone and scared of this tiny person. You hardly eat anything because you can’t find the time. You still don’t recognize yourself. Stretch marks, extra skin...”what happened to my ass?!?!” —oh, its gone. You finally start to get the hang of things. You’ve gone outside some, your eating a couple of meals a day and maybe even sleeping a tiny bit more. All of a sudden depression sets in. You have delusions, nightmares, random crying, paranoia. It doesn’t go away like they said it would. As things start to get easier with the baby you suffer mentally more and more. You are constantly fighting negative thoughts, thought you NEVER thought you would have had. You are trying so hard not to show it in front of your baby because you just want them to laugh and be happy because it’s what keeps you going. “Stay strong, keep going, it’ll all be ok”— but will it? Medication, self help books, working out, eating right, therapy...why am I not getting better? Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Am I stuck like this for forever? So now your here, trying to be strong for your family. And you realize that every woman you’ve ever seen, met, hated whatever. Has gone through something like this or will. You still aren’t ok. But you think of all the possibilities. Still birth, miscarriage, rape, bullied...“you’ll never be good enough”. The standards keep getting higher. We are all trying to just be happy. We judge each other, but you may have gone through something I will never understand. Pain, so much pain, so many tears and screams. Crying for help, but also trying to act like you are perfectly fine. We all know that fake smile all too much. We all deserve to respect ourselves and other women out there a hell of a lot more because this is just a fraction of what we go through. ❤️

To anyone that reads this in its entirety, thank you. These are just some of my thoughts.