ALL OVER THE PLACE

I found out I was expecting my first bundle of joy after ttc for nearly 2 years ! I can't explain how I felt staring down at that positive pregnancy test. fast forward a few weeks to first scan was told "bad Luck,no heartbeat " those words still echo in my mind today, I can't get past this I hate pregnant people I try to be happy but deep down it kills me I wish it was me why can't it be me, I find it difficult around children or babies, feels like everyone I know is now suddenly pregnant!! How do you get through this ? will I ever be okay again? Am I still a mum ? will I ever be ?