First off, let me say I DID post this in the mental illness group, but since this is also about me ttc I wanted to post it in the ttc group as well. Just want to get that nice and cleared before any group nazis pop up lol

Four years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, rapid cycling. I also suffer from severe anxiety, and ocd. I know anxiety and ocd is pretty well known, but for those of you who aren’t familiar with my type of bipolar its when my mood swings change fairly quickly. I could be happy one moment and upset within seconds and vice versa. And it happens quite a lot during the day. Normal bipolar, people generally (varies depending on the person) have a high manic mood that can last a day to weeks before switching towards to depression or anger.

I haven’t been on medication in a few years, my medication made me feel emotionless and constantly exhausted. I barely ever smiled and I slept nonstop. I tried a few different ones and was left with the same feeling. I’m the type of person who loves to love and feel love in return, and not being able to do that was extremely hard for me. Ladies, the medications couldn’t even let me orgasm. Seriously. It was stressful!

Two years ago this July, my SO will have been ttc with zero luck. Although I want to have a baby and complete our family (I have a step son who will be 4 in July also), I’m nervous of what it’ll do to my mood swings once I’m pregnant and I have the baby. I’m torn because I don’t want to get back on the medication and have that horrible emotionless feeling throughout the pregnancy and once my baby would be born. I want to enjoy those moments and feel love and be able to give it in return. But at the same time, what if I do something stupid that I can’t control? I already have difficult days and I’m so lucky to be with someone who does everything to help me.

I just need some advice on this one. Has anyone been in my shoes and have any advice on what to do? I’m honest to god torn on this and I just want to make sure whatever I do, it’s right for me and our kids.