Sometimes I’m not sure if my sexuality and kinks is normal or if it’s a result of sexual abuse

WARNING SEXUAL ABUSE MENTION

Disclaimer: I am not trying to say that BDSM and kinks have anything to do with sexual abuse or isn’t normal, this has to do with my own experience and also guilt.

I have a history of sexual abuse. As a small child, and then again two different situations as a teenager. I got into watching porn and reading erotic literature as a preteen so I also had a good knowledge of BDSM for awhile. At 14 I was in a situation where someone would force me to hurt myself both sexually and physically, at the threat they would hurt someone I cared about. Then at 15 I met a 29 year old online we entered an LDR that involved bdsm and this went on for months. I’m 23 now and I’ve come to terms how messed up that situation was, that i was a child and he was an adult who took advantage, I feel dirty, but sometimes I feel like I don’t get to feel bad for myself because I consented.

Anyway, I’ve always had a thing for older guys but I also get both physically and mentally turned on by other things that... I don’t know create unequal power dynamics? Anything that might make me feel almost helpless, almost as if I’m punishing myself. At this point I’m hesitant to actually attempt BDSM in a healthy relationship, not because I’m afraid of being triggered, but because I’m not sure if I can separate it from those parts of my past.

Thoughts?