My loss

Monday march 19th, 2018.

I woke in the middle of the night with the most wretched acid reflux. My throat was on fire. So i hobbled out of bed, chewed some Tums and got back into bed. My alarm goes off as usual, and i head into work with amelia. Not 2 hours into my shift, my acid reflux is back in full effect, im feeling clammy and possibly feverish, and nasueated. The flu is going around, so i figured i had a bug. My directors were able to work me out, so i could go home and rest. I had had some other bazaar symptoms, earlier in the weekend, that didnt match up with a stomache bug, so i grabbed a pregnancy test at the store along with sprite and crackers.

I took the test mid afternoon, and sure enough it was positive. That blew my mind. What do you mean im pregnant?? We didnt plan this baby. None of the dates matched up. How was i pregnant?? How far along?? I was instantly worried. I had to have been at least 8 weeks. I had drank for sure recently, and socially smoked. I wasnt on any sort of prenatal vitamin . I was freaking out. Ecstatic yet worried. Chad as well. We went and had the pregnancy confirmed with a blood test that same day. I didnt get the results back until the next morning.( Tuesday, march 21st, 2018) Pregnancy confirmed, but my doctor was worried about my HCG quantitative levels. If we went my those levels, my pregnancy could have been no further along than 3-4 weeks. Which made no sense, i had to have been at least 8 weeks. The physicians assistant called , and told me that with such low levels, they were worried and wanted to closely monitor my HCG levels, rechecking them in 48 hours.

I went back to work wednesday, business as usual. Worried out of my mind, but i have to try and stay calm.

Thursday morning, i had my HCG levels checked again. And was scheduled to work a late shift. I worried. The. ENTIRE. day. i called my doctor on my lunch break, and they werent able to give me any answers. With such compassion, my director allowed me to leave work to go find some answers. I needed an unltrasound. That was the only answer i wanted. My OB refused. Said he wouldn't be able to see anything anyways. i tried a different clinic, but since i wasnt an " established patient" they wouldnt see me either. So i went to the mckenzie willamette ER. I wanted to see a doctor and get an ultrasound. I waited 2 1/2 hours then left. I was entirely frustrated and scared. why wouldnt anyone give me answers??? How inhumane to let me worry! As i was leaving the ER, my ob called back with my HCG levels. things werent looking good. after 48 hours, the HCG level should double. Mine went up by a whopping 36%. I was most likely going to miscarry. Slow rising hcg levels arent good. i was told to come back on monday for another check.

Friday, march 23rd 2018, i called off of work to rest and try to decompress. I was worried about this pregnancy, and needed to have my daughter and husband near me.

Fast forward through the weekend to sunday morning. I woke up and my face HURT tremendously. i was stuffy nosed, throat hurt. I had a very obvious sinus infection, and amelia had pink eye. Great. Just what my little family needed. We got into the weekend clinic and got our meds, and while i was at the doctors, i had my labs done. 2 birds one stone.

Monday morning, march 26th, 2018

i showed to up to work, back to normal, a little bit under the weather. Nothing tylenol and my flonase couldnt help. My Ob called me, to give me an update on my pregnancy. My HCG levels finally doubled! He gave me some comfort, and let me know it was very possible to only be 4 weeks pregnant, based on the information i gave him. what a relief! Baby is growing, this could be viable, thank goodness! The first time in a week, i was able to take a breath of fresh air. He did order more labs so we could still closely monitor me. He did warn me about potential risks, made no promises to me, and made sure that i am to be seen, if i feel any temendous pain or have a substantial amount of bleeding. I was on cloud9. As the day went on i felt weaker, more nauseus. I couldnt wait to go home. All my coworkers were so kind, wishing myself and amelia a fast recovery.

Fast forward to monday evening about 530pm.

I had a sharp pain. My lower back, right side. I could feel a giant pinch, and it reached all the way down into my pelvic area. I doubled over in pain. I held my breath. it. hurt. so. bad. I teied to shower to get some relief. it didnt help. i layed down and rest for a bit. I was writhing in pain in my bed. I called chad home from work, and we rushed to the ER( riverbend). My mom agreed to take care of amelia, and encouraged me to grt checked out.

We arrived at the ER around 715 pm. I am not going to go on about my wait, as i plan on making a huge formal complaint. With my fear of having a possible ectopic pregnancy, i was made to wait 7 hours before i was seen by a doctor. 7 hours , in pain, in the waiting room.

Around 2 am, i was done waiting. I got a nurses attention, and i was furious. Im sure i made more of a scene than my husband, or the staff would have liked. but it was complete bullshit. I was in the ER for something potentially life threatening and i was irate to have waited so long. Shortly after this, i was brought back for an ultrasound to look for the baby.

Everything went very quickly after this. The ultrasound tech go her pictures, i went back to the waiting room for about 20 more minutes, then i was called back and given a room. The ER doctor spoke with me, and let me know that he asked an OBGYN to come speak with me. He looked at my labs, and wanted a specialist to see me.

The OBGYN came soon after. She was the only medical proffessional ive seen this entire time that was willing to give me straight information. This pregnancy was abnormal, and not viable according to what she saw in the pictures and my blood work. I was so thankful for her. She saw no pregnancy in my uterus. Even at 4 weeks, she wouldve been able to see a small sack. She saw nothing, they also didnt see the baby in my fallopian tubes. What they did see, was loose blood which ment i was bleeding internally. She recommended me to have emergency surgery. I agreed obviously and went in for surgery around 4 am.

i woke from surgery around 645am. and the first thing i asked the doctor, was what time it was. and then i asked if my husband remembered to call me out of work ( what is wrong with me???) The surgery went well. they cleared up everything they had to, they didnt find any pregnancy to remove. But obviously i was pregnant, blood tests proved that. I was given a chemotherapy drug to stop any harmful pregnancy from progressing inside me where it shouldnt be. In no way, did i have an abortion.

This entire process was medically necessary.

I have been home since Tuesday evening. I am in pain, i cannot move on my own. I cannot hold my daughter and she doesnt understand. She cried for me to rock her to sleep, and i cried when i told her i couldnt. I haven't been able to be around her hardly at all. she is so rambuctious, and obviously doesnt undersatnd. It is breaking my heart to be so helpless for her. My bodily fluids, including saliva are toxic for the next 72 hours. So i cant kiss my daughter, or share my food and drinks with her.

This last week or so, has been the most emotional toll on me. I lost a baby that i hadnt planned. I lost a baby that i hadnt had the chance to meet. My heart hurts. Chad doesnt want me to give it a name, but she has had a name from the start. I hope to use her name in the future, so im not going to reveal it. But i will say this.

Rest in peace, baby T. Please continue to watch over us. And i am so, so sorry we never got to meet.