Goodbye month 8, Hello month 9.

Will we meet that year mark again? I see it inching closer and closer. Each negative test like a pound of bricks thrown at at body, leaving me broken. I am broken. Broken on the inside. My insides are broken, why can’t they just be fixed. Why can’t they fix themselves. I ask myself this constantly. Why can’t my body do the one thing it’s made to.

“Be grateful, you have one child” they say, and I am. But I’m still empty. How can you be so empty yet so full at the same time. So happy yet so frustrated, angry, sad. I don’t know how but it’s possible, I feel it everyday. Every day I long for another child, for my daughter to have a friend, a sibling. I don’t know if I’ll ever get that chance. Thinking about that Just chisels me down, wearing me to my core. I’m broken, and it’s not okay, it will never be okay.

Hormonal imbalance,

Endometriosis,

Makes it,

One line, not two.

One line, not two.

Is that a second line? Of course not, you’re crazy. Well maybe... No stop that!

Don’t get your hopes up!

Internal conversations,

Month after month

Why are you even testing? You know it’s going to be negative.

What a waste of money, what a waste of barren space.

Month after month, tears.

Running out of tears, it’s normal.

Goodbye month 8, Hello month 9.

Month 9 of god knows how many.