Sexless Marriage

This isn’t just another porn post. Ive been with my husband for 10 years. Sex has always been a bit of a struggle. I use to come on to him all the time and he would reject me (I use to be very sexual and sexually comfortable). Or when we had sex he would keep his eyes closed and was a selfish lover. Over time I stopped initiating sex because I did not feel desired (of which I feel is key for women). I started to wonder if he was cheating and went through his phone and found so much porn. I confronted him because I was devastated, not so much about the porn but because he NEVER wanted to have sex with me. I knew I was attractive because I never had a problem getting men and men would always come on to me but I started to think I wasn’t my husbands cup of tea. This began a long cycle of sexual issues. Him lying about porn but still not having sex with me. I even tried to watch porn with him at one point but I just felt empty, dirty and unfulfilled after, so I stopped. My weight has fluctuated up and down because of depression. He never noticed me anyway, and Im not a cheater so I found comfort in food. Im a christian and I really dont want to get divorced but it just doesnt seem to be getting better. This has lead to so many fights and broken promises. I feel very insecure and like I cant believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He says he loves me and is attracted to me yet he doesnt come on to me. Now with incognito mode its hard to know what hes doing. He claims he’s not watching porn and he still doesnt come on to me. Im even on anti anxiety meds from all of this and have been prescribed diet pills to help me lose the weight. When we do have sex its awkward and uncomfortable for me. He denies having a porn addiction but admits he has intimacy issues. He says he’s going to “try” and will go to counseling I just have little hope. At this point I dont even know if I will ever be able to fully trust him or if we’ll ever have a satisfying sex life. Please dont be cruel. Any advice I can get is welcomed or story’s of others that have also gone through this. Thank you. (sorry for the long post)

**** He’s not gay, all if the porn is women. Lesbians, massage, fisting.

****We’ve gone to counseling in the past and this was a part of the issue. It was short lived because he wasn’t actively participating and it was just one more thing to fight about.

****Ive talked to him many times about what he likes or I like. Ive bought toys to spice it up. All were short lived. And whenever we do have sex its so routine and I just feel like a tool. I dont even know how to bounce out of it and connect to my own sexuality again.