Today I am sad because this will be the second child I’m about to bring into this world with out my mom by my side. This is the second child she will never hold, that she will never kiss, and that will never meet her Grandma.

This is the second child I will bare down and push out without her right next to me tell me it will be ok. This is the second time I will cry because even in a room so full I will still feel empty.

I remember how she was not there the day I married the love of my life, she was not there to help me plan the wedding of my dreams or help me pick out the wedding dress that I would feel so beautiful in. Most importantly she was not there hug me and cry tears of joy with me on any beautiful milestone I have made. I have had a baby shower for each of my children that she did not help plan or get to partake in.

Both times I found out I was pregnant she was the first person I wanted to tell. She is always the first person I want to tell everything to. Every stride I have made, every accomplishment I have achieved, every fall I have taken, I have wish my mom was there next to me. It’s been 12 years since I have lost my best friend and ever since she has been gone it feels like the steps I take forward are meaningless. They are steps taken to please the one person that I will never get acknowledgment from.

I didn’t realize that once I had my girls it would be so terribly bitter sweet. I cherish and look forward to being there for them always, for their graduations, wedding, children of their own and to one day be their best friend. However, it kills me that I have to do all these things without my mom.

Loosing someone you love is one of the hardest things anyone will ever go through. There are so many thoughts, feelings and emotions that will run through your mind.

I love my children, my husband and the family I have left more than anything, they have always been there to support me and have always made huge efforts in trying to make things the best they can for me, despite the fact that they too have lost the same person.

Death sure does teach you how to be appreciative for who you still have but what it doesn’t prepare you for is a lifetime of longing for the one you miss so terribly. A void that can never be fully satisfied.

So today, I feel alone, I will cry, I will grieve and then I will collect myself, force feed my mind with the thoughts and reasons why it will be “ok”; how she is always with me, how she is always watching over me.. blah blah blah. Then I will fall asleep and try to start my day over with out her, yet again.

I will be ok, I have learned how to be “ok” for 12 years but today I feel sad, I feel alone and I so desperately wish you were here.