On April 16, 2013 was the day I officially lost my childhood innocence. It was just like any day at work till I started had horrible back pain. I knew something was wrong so I immediately ran to the bathroom where before I could even sit down the blood started dripping down my leg. Once I sat there for a while I felt something slip from me. It was at that point I met you and lost you. Later on that afternoon I went to the hospital where they confirmed my loss. I later went home and let Matthew know the news. All we could do was cry together.

I never felt depression like I did before that day. In the next few months I became a horrible alcoholic. Starting every morning with three shots and not stopping till Matt came home. I didn't know how to overcome the pain that was in my heart. I eventually cut back on my drinking, started a new job. Well three years have passed and we lost seven more babies. Matthew and I are finally husband and wife. We continue to talk about kids but the pain of all the losses make it really “hard”. Then September 28th came, I found out I was pregnant and the doctors were very optimistic that this one will stick. I had never felt so much happiness knowing this one could be the one that made it. We decided to tell our immediate family, well five days later my body failed me. I didn't have the heart to tell my family. I don't know how to explain the sadness that hit me. This loss threw my mind over the edge. In July 2017 I mentally and physically thought I couldn't move forward anymore. Suicide was a consistent thought of mine. I finally reached out to Amanda(Little sister), she saved me. If it wasn't for her checking on me I don't know if i’d still be here. Matthew and I finally started working on our relationship, we needed to find a way for us both to understand we deal with our losses differently. We hadn't been able to get pregnant since our last loss. In January 2018 we decided to go see a Fertility Specialist, Dr. Thompson was very optimistic with our chance of conceiving that he offered us a shot that would make me produce tons of eggs to increase our chances of a pregnancy. Well we ended up pregnant, this time I knew to not say anything to anyone other than Matthew. We were silently celebrating to our self's but also keeping in mind our past we had to not get too excited. Well a week later one day before my first ultrasound sound, the all too familiar pains and blood started. Every time I have to tell my husband my body had failed us it would take a little part of me. I have finally been able to come to terms with our losses. We miss our 9 angels every day. Because of this long five year journey I have been on I am a completely different person then what I'd thought I'd be. I'm writing this for my own sanity, I needed to write this down for me to feel a little bit of closure. Yes these past five years have been horrible, but I know when we are finally blessed with a healthy baby I know I have so much love to give and I have my angels in the sky watching over us.