I'm a 30yr old FTM, unplanned pregnancy, living with In-Laws, dealing with self care and the new job of taking care of my newborn. I thought being pregnant was bad... just days after having my baby, reality has set in. I feel completely irresponsible, like man.. this is why people plan this shit out. Being baby crazy or catching baby fever is a thing to look out for, too, as a warning sign.

So many different faucets and varying degrees of overwhelming anxiety and feelings. I knew there would be sleepless nights and hard moments, but I never expected how much bigger your heart gets when you finally see what you've been carrying this whole time. To see the child you created and are lucky enough to carry. Nothing prepares you for how fast and deep you fall in love with your baby when they look up at you for the first time.

My son literally tore through this world, I had to get a number of stitches, or as the doctor put it, a few layers sewn back together. I dread bathroom breaks and showers as it's another process no one really talks about so you don't really know how to prepare for it.

It's only week 2 and the main thoughts I have that are keeping me from fully enjoying motherhood and this time I get it with my son is... 3 months is not nearly enough time. I know some of you other mothers have way less. I don't know how you do it, especially those that get unpaid leave no less. I'm curious as to how those of you in the same boat deal with the separation, when your little one is still so small and defenseless. I just don't want to miss a moment.

I'm lucky enough that I also have family, my In-Laws, to help me take care of my little one. Though I worry they may be too laissez-faire in their care just from watching them with their other grandchild. I worry if I should get a nanny or sitter and how I'll pay for such a service.

I'm basically worrying about every single little thing that could go wrong with no end in sight. I also don't want to get that phone call telling me something happened to my baby. Any moment I have to myself, I'm in tears. I'm sorry for the jumble of thoughts, but I just have so many. Does anyone else feel or have felt the same? Did you overcome it? If so, how?

1 week postpartum

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