I’m pregnant again, only this time (after an ectopic with a tubal removal last August with a miscarriage this January) I’m not excited at all. I’m terrified.

This is my third pregnancy (for my first ever child) in less than a year. For me, becoming pregnant doesn’t seem like a big deal, staying pregnant is.

I went to my doctor as soon as I found out, which obviously was too early to actually locate the baby, as its still too small. And now all I can do is wait a week, in my constant worries and listening to every little thing in my body, before try checking again.

My right tube was removed last year, and this time I can feel small cramps on the opposite side, leading me to believe this is another ectopic, and I will lose another pregnancy along with my only remaining tube. And then what? I don’t have any children yet, I’m newly wed in my early 30s.. if this happens again, really, then what..?

People keep telling me to not stress about it, but how can I? Sincerely, I understand the logic, but can’t do it.

I can’t be positive about this before I got proof that it’s okay. I can’t leave myself vulnerable again, when these darn little cramps are telling me it’s likely gonna end bad again. And I feel horrible for being like this.

But like I told my husband, who once again is excited, please don’t get your hopes up JUST YET. Wait. You see, I’m terrified of disappointing our dream again. It’s been a heavy past year. And it’s not over..

😞 I’m not ready to do this.