I feel like a failure as woman to have miscarried twice in the last four months. Here’s my story. I am 38 years old and I met my husband late in life at 34. I’m from nyc where that really isn’t late Bc ppl get married late there all the time. I got to live my life - I traveled a lot, lived alone, enjoyed the single life... but I really wanted to find a good man and new I deserved it. Finally I found a good man- on eharmony in 2013. We started chatting and we met. I knew he really cared about me. We got engaged about a year and a half later and got married in August 2016 when I was 37. About a year later we started trying to get pregnant. I always said in my life I wouldn’t rush. That while I always knew I wanted to be a mom, I didn’t want to be someone who just got pregnant for the sake of being pregnant . That If I have kids late in life it’s ok, plenty of women do it and I’ve seen them do it. Well now I’m paying the price for waiting I guess. I went off the pill in June 2017 after being on it for years and in November I got a positive test. I was ecstatic and so was my hubby. Especially because it happened so quickly for us even with my age of being 38. I didn’t know much about pregnancy loss, except for knowing many people and having friends who have gone through it and struggled with infertility. But the fact that I was getting preg quick didn’t make me think my issue was an infertile one. We were due in July 2018. I had no symptoms of anything being wrong and just thought everything would be fine at our 9 week appt on that cold day on 12/12/17. I was wrong. As I lay there the ultrasound tech. Had a look on her face of horror. My husband knew there was something wrong, I guess I was too much in denial to notice anything. They said there was no heartbeat and the baby was only measuring at 8 w 4 days. I opted for a D&C; bc I wanted to get it out of me and move on. And part of moving on was not letting it happen naturally or with pills. I got the pity thing from some friends who will never get it. My husband has been strong for me... and we slowly became to move on. Trying again helped us to move on. After I healed we started to try again the end of January. I got a positive result again in early March. I was so ecstatic. The first time I told a few ppl this time I told no one except my husband. I was half excited half scared out of my mind based on what happened before. We were due on 11/13 which is is my brothers birthday. I kept thinking god was giving me back what he took away from me and having me have a baby on my brothers birthday which was cosmic. This time the doctors were more proactive but only because I demanded it. I had my HCG levels tested that were doubling well- my progesterone was slightly low so they put me on a suppository. They also put me on a thyroid medicine Bc they said they’d like to see it higher in pregnancy. Otherwise though everything seemed to be ok. I was taking an antidepressant that I’ve been on for over 20 years and even sacrificed my own mental health by going off it per my doctors orders. I didn’t drink as much coffee, switched to natural shampoos and conditioners, practiced self care, basically tried to be xtra cautious with this pregnancy and take some control because I lost control before. None of that mattered.... at our 6 week appt we went in for ultrasound I didn’t want to wait until 9 weeks like last time. We measured at 6 w 5 days... we heard and saw the flicker of the Hb. My husband smiled. I smiled. It felt amazing to finally see something was going right. I thought after that we were in the clear. I even canceled a trip to visit my brother around easter when I heard my nieces were sick. I didn’t want to risk getting my baby sick and having another miscarried. Over the next few weeks I was nervous again- it started settling in. I had no cramping or bleeding or any cause for concern, which didn’t really calm my fears as I had a missed one last time too and never experienced anything. But I felt less pregnant. My jeans were fitting a little better, at 8 weeks I still had no nausea...on Friday April 13th we went in for our u/s when I was supposed to be 9 weeks 1 day. I was shaking in the room my husband told me relax everything is gonna be ok. The ultrasound tech, cold and unemotionless kept trying to find the heartbeat as they put the warm jelly on my belly. She’s said she’s not finding a heartbeat. This time unlike last time I didn’t cry. I was just numb. Seeing my husband with tears in his eyes made me sad too. I know this isn’t easy for him. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I will be 39 in 2 months we have no kids. And I would be an amazing mom and don’t know why God is doing this to me. I have decided to stay off fb and all social media I can’t handle seeing baby showers and babies... our first was supposed to be in July our second in November and now I have none. As I sit here writing this I have a dead baby in me which disgusts me. It’s been almost three weeks and I haven’t passed it yet. I’m scheduled for another D&C; on Wednesday Bc like before I don’t want to deal with the trauma of seeing it or. Cramping and bleeding. I just want it out of me so I can move on. I also want to test it this time if I can. This has been a wake up call to me and although I’ve dealt with a lot of heartache in my life this is by far the hardest thing ever. One miscarriage I dealt with but two???? I’m embarrassed to tell people for fear they will just think what’s wrong with her. I feel like a failure as a wife. Why can’t I bear children? Why can’t I give my husband at least one? Why can I get pregnant but not keep it. I guess this is what happens when you wait to get pregnant as I did but then I know ppl older than me who did and never had a MMC. Because of my age I’m very scared. I’m contacting a fertility specialist this week to do any and all testing. My doctor told me she feels it’s just bad luck, and I’m sorry but I don’t want to hear that. I need to be more proactive and in control than that. I need help getting through this. I want to be a mom and am scared I’ll never be one to anything more than 2 angels. Thank you for listening.