***long ass rant***

its 3:30 am rn and im not a native english speaker so i cant promise perfect english. also, i really dont know where this story/rant is going to go and its probably going to be REALLY long, but i need to get this off my chest.

ive started to listen to the song "jenny" by studio killers during the past 2 days. it reminds me of last summer when i was in a position where i could have related to it.

there was this girl i originally got to know in 2013 but who i hadnt talked to after 2014. anyway, in the beginning of summer holidays last year we somehow became friends again. we hung out multiple times a week, nearly every day. we got super close in a super short time. sometimes we got really flirty. we held hands. i wasnt sure if it was platonic or not. it didnt take long for me to start catching feelings for her. she became my 'jenny' (ill call her jenny from now on), a best friend who i had feelings for. i wanted to 'ruin our friendship'. i thought that 'we should be lovers instead'.

until after the day of our trip to an amusement park she became really distant. she didnt answer my snaps or messages as quick ad befor, if she even answered at all. one evening she said she couldnt meet me in a while because she was busy hanging out with her boyfriend, who she had NEVER mentioned before, not even once. after reading that message i literally dropped my phone on the floor. id thought she had been showing signs of interest. id thought i had for once actually crushed on someone who wasnt straight or taken.

during the next week she texted me three times. THREE MESSAGES in ONE WEEK in total. we used to talk every day until 3 or 4 am before. then one day she blocked me on snap. i didnt even realize until i saw her username in the "other snapchatters" mystory viewer category instead of the "friends" one where it had been just a couple hours earlier. i didnt know how to react. i messaged him on whatsapp asking if she didnt want to talk to me anymore. she just left me on read. i asked twice before giving up. i cried a lot. i felt she had broken my heart.

a good friend of mine (ill call her 'A') has a "job" as a chaperone on the same confirmation camp as jenny. the actual camp is a week long and its this summer but it includes a weekend long camp that they had in february.

i hadnt talked about jenny to anyone except for one person before. a little more than a month ago i was hanging out with A when i felt like i had to let it out, so i told her. then she suddenly said that she had talked to jenny on the weekend camp. A said jenny had said she was happy for me/us when A had told her i was dating my current boyfriend. then A also said jenny had told her why she stopped talking to me. she said it was because jenny had started catching feelings for me. it scared her because her parents are very homophobic and she had never been with a girl before. i was extremely confused because A and jenny arent even friends, so why did she tell A and not me? i also didnt know jenny was out of the closet (shes bi, just like me, and i thought shed only came out to me when i lowkey came out to her in the beginning of last summer).

i had to take a while to think about it, until one day i added her on snap again. she had unblocked me and added me back so i decided to go and talk to her. i straight up asked her why she abandoned me. she confirmed that she had started crushing on me and gotten scared of it.

she kind of blamed the whole thing on her depression when i told her i had been struggling with trust issues and fear of abandonment after what happened between us. i also asked if she had really been "hanging out with her boyfriend" like she told me, and guess what? she didnt even remember saying that. shes been single since 2014. she had straight up lied to me, which makes me question if her apologies were sincere and if shes genuinely sorry like she claims to be.

the only person (apart from A) ive told about jenny is my current boyfriend but all he says is that i should just forget it and get over her. i know hes right, i should. but its not that easy for me, especially when i dont have any good friends to talk to. my boyfriend and A are my only best friends, and he is the only one ive trusted since jenny abandoned me.

im not quite sure how to end this, and im actually surprised if someone read the whole thing. if you did, thank you for listening to me rant about something i havent had really the chance to talk about to anyone. ❤