Shortened version of growing up...

8-14 years old

^saw no appeal in guys and only attracted to girls, terrified I was a lesbian because my dad is homophobic and wouldn't be able to deal with it, I never told anyone and pretended I found guys attractive. It wasn't quite sexual attraction at that age though and I'd been bullied for years by guys so I feel like a part of it was just not wanting anything to do with guys.

15-17 years old

^started finding guys attractive and didn't think as much about girls, thought I was straight and the previous thing was a phase.

18-19 (now)

^find both men and women attractive in different ways but overall I'm more attracted to men. I'm attracted to men/women for different reasons but equally sexually attracted. I could only ever see myself in a long term relationship with a man but I don't know how much of that is because of the environment I've grown up in and how much is genuinely me?

When it comes to sexual dreams they're split 2:1 for lesbian:straight which is why this is still on my mind because I obviously don't control my dreams. When it comes to masturbation I don't use porn (I used to and it was probably lesbian porn 90% of the time) but from imagining stuff it's usually lesbian and rarely with a man involved.

I've never had a relationship with a man nor a woman but I've flirted with both so everything's pretty speculative.

I really don't want to be bisexual because my dad would probably disown me and the idea of having friends that might act differently around me (even though I'm not attracted to ANY of them one bit) scares me, I don't want them to think of me any differently but I know how much hate a lot of bi people get. At the same time I really don't feel like I could go through life without being in a relationship with a woman to try it, even though I find men more attractive

If I had to stick myself on an attraction scale with 0% being completely heterosexual and 100% being completely lesbian I'd probably put myself at around 40% but on attraction alone. I don't know if it will last but that's just right now.

Thoughts/experiences?