Update: in response to comments, it’s a long story but it seemed like the only option. He was having trouble staying in the country as an immigrant and the plan had been that we’d apply for a green card together. I didn’t feel like I could suddenly pull a fast one on him and leave him hanging.

This would take a really long time to explain, but when my then bf proposed we weren’t really in love and it felt like just like a to do list item. We went out to a restaurant, I already knew what was gonna happen, and he proposed with a ring I didn’t like and with a card so he didn’t have to say it. He just handed it to me and it was awkward. No one even noticed it was happening because it was over in seconds.

We are working on problems in couples counseling but I feel like our engagement was ruined forever. Like a week later we got our marriage certificate at the courthouse all by ourselves and it was over again in 5min. We didn’t feel married. We intend to have a “proper” wedding maybe next year and our friends think we’re only engaged.

I’m not even sure things are gonna work out but it just hurts that I didn’t get that experience. I didn’t need anything fancy, just that feeling of real anticipation and shock and joy that I was going to marry the love of my life. I never got that.