depressed about friends


so i get depressed a lot and the feeling usually comes from friends. i'm homeschooled so i don't have a ton of friends but i have two really close friends one really good friend and one good friend. the first three are the ones i do stuff with cause the other one is way older than me and in college but the other three are close to my age and i love (all of) them so much. it's just that every time i try to go out with them to a movie or to get food or just hang out we'll make plans and then they cancel. i mean i know they are busy and i know better than anyone that plans change out of the blue but i haven't gotten to hang out with friends forever and i miss it. i need it. i get so depressed everytime plans don't work out and it makes me want to scream because i need my friends so much but i never get to be with them. i sound so needy but it's the truth. my friends are my rock and this "dry spell" of not getting to hang out with them is really taking a toll on me. i get to hang out with newer friends while i'm working hut it doesn't count cause it's work and it's exhausting and i come home and i'm always about ready to cry because i just need time away from my big family and work and schoolwork just forget about it for awhile!! and i feel like whenever i text my friends i'm just boring them with my problems. they used to text me back and help me through it and now it's one word responses and "idk what to tell you". god damn it everytime they have a problem i give them advice and it there and i try to help. i'm sure they don't mean it. it they've pretty much just stopped doing that for me!!for awhile one of my friends, my oldest and closest friend and i would have long text conversations every single day and i miss it. it's not that i want new friends cause as nice as it would be no one knows me better than the four in my "group" but i just wish they could be there for me more and hang out with me or find time to just talk to me. i know they are busy and one of them is preparing to leave for college and i don't want to get in the way of that but i just wish something could change.

also i get depressed because i don't have a boyfriend and i'm not that girl who thinks she needs a boyfriend to survive but no guys ever notice me and i really want at least a guy friend but i'm awkward around guys and i'm so bad at talking to them and not making a fool out of myself. i jut want to e noticed and i just want a guy to have someone love me and hug me and kiss me and let me talk to them and let me listen to their problems and they listen to mine. i just want to be loved by someone other than family and friends but i don't think that's ever gonna happen. at least not for a long time 😢

lol i'm really sorry about this big ass post boring you with my problems. i just needed to rant about it. my friends have heard this over and over and i hate talking to family about it so thanks a bunch if you read all this