PPD horror

PPD is a monster i am telling you. I get so frustrated so quickly and my moods are constantly changing, I feel worthless half the time and I have grown to hate myself. PPD has made me do things I wouldn’t normally and act ways that I never thought I would act. I thought I got over this after I had my daughter almost 8 years ago. It took me about a year to fully feel like myself again. My son is now 8 months old and I know I have ppd. At first I thought no baby blues it’ll go away. Well when I started feeling worse and acting differently I realized that it wasn’t going to just go away. I don’t take medication for reasons of just pure terror that I will get addicted to it. I lost my brother due to suicide from over dosing almost 2 years ago. I try to stay away from medication. But this ppd has almost ruined my marriage and given me thoughts in my head daily that make me feel like I’m in hell. Idk if any of you ladies can relate. I try to stay as positive as I can, but when ppd hits it hits hard. I wonder is there ever going to be a light at the end of this dark tunnel