A Note to the Guy I’m Seeing

Tw: mood disorders, mental illness, depression, sexual assault

Dear guy I’m seeing,

I really like you. Like a lot. I think I may even be falling in love with you. It’s exciting and fun and terrifying and difficult.

You seem to think the best of me. You say I’m smart and funny and beautiful and sexy and one of the coolest people you’ve met.

And I am all those things. I’m also more. There’s a lot you don’t know yet. A lot I’m scared to tell you for fear of scaring you away.

I’m mentally ill. I have a mood disorder that I can’t afford to treat. I can handle it on my own much of the time, but there are days when I can’t. Sometimes there are months when I can’t.

It gives me horrible anxiety about abandonment. It tells me that I’m unlovable. It tells me that I’m fun when I’m manic, but you’ll leave when that passes. It tells me that I’m somebody people will happily hook up with, but never really love. It tells me that you will inevitably leave me no matter how many times you swear that you won’t.

I can’t trust my own brain, so how can I trust you? I can’t trust my own brain, so how can you trust me? I can’t trust my own brain, so how can you love me?

I have been sexually assaulted. It makes intimacy very scary for me sometimes. My first kiss was my best friend and it led to way more than I ever wanted. I blacked out the whole day and still have no idea quite how far it went. I’ve never talked to anyone about how much it really affects me.

A “friend” of mine in high school violently pinned me to the lockers and wouldn’t let me go while he asked me to homecoming. A “friend” in high school heard “I’m pretty hard to make uncomfortable” and responded by grabbing my crotch. A “friend” in high school kissed me, apologised, and when I said “it’s ok” didn’t wait to hear “just please let’s not do that again” before pinning me up a wall and reaching up my shirt.

Please never pin me down without asking. Please check in and make sure I’m still on board for what is happening. Please don’t think that when I lay in bed all day it’s because I’m lazy. Please don’t tell me you’ll be around if you won’t. Please don’t fall in love with me unless you’re ready for all of that. Please don’t blame yourself for my bad days. Please don’t be afraid to have bad days too.

I have a lot going on, I know. But I will always make sure you feel heard. I will always be sure you’re comfortable with where we are. I will always listen and care about what you have to say. I will fall in love with you and give you my heart even though my head is telling me not to. Even though my head tells me you will take my heart willingly and trample it.

I will love you and listen to you with my whole heart despite all these problems or maybe because of them because if I can tell you all these things and you are still here, you might be able to drown out the sound of my head. You might be able to overpower my past. You might be able to support me on the days I struggle to support myself and I can focus on supporting you even when I can’t do it for myself.

I will love you with my whole heart, bare and raw, if only you can know this without running away.

Hopeful in love,

The girl you’re seeing