Feeling like the worst mother....

Megan

So it's 2am. I'm exhausted. I have a 5 year old with ODD who has torn me apart all day. I also have a 14 month old with a cold who keeps choking on his phlegm. He got me sick and I lost my voice. I'm 20 weeks pregnant today. My husband is staying up late to finish his online school work after his daily 12 hour shift. I'm tired. I have PPD. And I'm terrified of having another child.

We talked about having another kid. I was really on the fence. Like only 40 percent wanting a third. My husband wanted another badly. I struggled for weeks trying to decide what I wanted. So we left it up to fate. I have PCOS so getting pregnant isn't easy. But now I'm pregnant again. Miraculously. I am happy to be pregnant. Truly. I love the life I feel growing inside of me. But I am terrified of what being a mother of 3 will do to me and to my family.

Like maybe... and here comes the scary truth... maybe I was never meant to be a mom. I woke up at 2am to clear my baby's nasal passage. He's crying because he's exhausted and HATES his nose cleared. All he can do is claw at my face when I'm trying to hold him and rock him back to sleep. I know I can't take it personally. And I don't. But I feel like I'm failing as a mother more than helping them. Like I'm so selfish because my dream day includes complete solitude away from them. All of them. And if I ever got that chance, I don't think I could really enjoy it. Because I'd miss the hell out of them too much. Even that sounds selfish.

I am in counselling and admittedly I'm having a particularly bad day but these aren't fleeting thoughts. And that concerns me the most. I've been blown off for my past depression, never really being taken seriously. I hate meds, thus counselling but these thoughts just don't go away. I give them everything and I feel left empty. Overworked and overlooked. Will it get better for me? Can I be the best mom and wife for them? Because right now, I have no hope for that and idk what to do about it.