self esteem

I've never had a day in my life where I've felt 100% beautiful. ever since I was a little girl, I've been a perfectionist. my mom says I started picking out what to wear at age 3. at age 7 , I preferred special K over the normal, sugary cereals kids my age would eat because I was too scared of gaining weight. middle school came around, puberty hit and I became very insecure about my breasts even though I'm a B cup now. I'm 18 now , in college, struggling to figure out what the heck it is I'm meant to do in life and I feel like a good chunk of all my inner struggles would be solved if I were just content with myself and if I actually thought I was beautiful. people complement my outfits and I awkwardly respond with a "thank you " or "oh haha I look like trash" because I can't believe they actually like something about me. I constantly assume people don't like me in the beginning although it's probably otherwise. I strive to earn their love and support throughout the friendship. I'm a people pleaser. I put others before myself. And whenever I do find something I like and am vocal about it. I feel cocky or rude, even though it wasn't said in such a fashion. There hasn't been a day where I've completely felt beautiful. I always spot an insecurity. The mirror is both my friend and enemy. I'm 5'1 and 123 lbs. A healthy weight, but not satisfactory for me. I feel like if I lost the weight, maybe 15 lbs, I'd feel happier and more content, since it'd be one less thing to worry about. My boyfriend calls me beautiful , and there are moments where I am close to feeling it, but then we take a photo and I end up hating it. I don't like my face, I don't understand how anyone could. I wish I was more beautiful inside and out. I just want rest from this and I don't know how to begin. I hate the fact that I pull out tons of clothes just to go outside, or strive for perfection. Help

.