Dear BFF,

We’ve been friends for so long, we forgot how we met. At first we were part of a group. You, me, L, and N would pretend we were on Dancing With The Stars at recess. We would make fairy dust out of rocks and pretend we could fly. Then N started to spend less and less time with us. One day, she just didn’t wave back in the hallway.

Then we were a trio. L was the oldest, then me, then you. L was fun in small portions, but you two ALWAYS fought. She blamed me for taking your side and just doing whatever you do. And when I tried to support her, you would get mad at me. Both of you forced me to choose between being in the middle of your arguments or being the third wheel. It felt absolutely horrible as the third wheel, but every time I tried to release the tension or break you two up you would yell at me.

Flash forward to Junior High. We don’t have recess anymore, so you two fought less often. That was a relief. But then L did something more reckless than usual, and you couldn’t take it anymore. You left her, and I had to too. I chose you over her. Maybe that was a mistake.

I think the turning point for me was when L and I were hanging out one day. Once again, we were fighting. And for the thousandth time she said, “I’m older so I know more.” This single phrase made me so incredibly mad, and for the first time ever, I snapped. I said exactly what I had been thinking, what I had been holding in for the past 5 years. “Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you’re smarter.” And that was the end of me and L.

Then it was only us. In the beginning, we were best friends. You were the one person I could trust with my deepest darkest secrets. Then you started to change. At first it was tiny things. I had to go to the barn to ride my horse, but you wanted to hang out. You thought I was choosing my horse over you. My horse just needed me more than you did. It wasn’t that you weren’t important to me.

Then it got bigger. One day, I was feeling brave and wore eye shadow to school. The first thing you did when you saw me was laugh and said, “What are you WEARING on your face? It looks so horrible!” This was the first time in my entire life I had felt confident enough to wear makeup outside my house. You crushed the self-love that took weeks, even months to build up in just a few words. I laughed it off because that’s what I do. I don’t get hurt. I don’t get mad. The second I got to the school bathroom I started furiously rubbing my eyeshadow off.

Now it’s escalated to the point where I can’t tell you anything. I don’t trust you any more. We get into fights about freaking song lyrics, where I think it said “walking” and you think it said “talking”. You look at me with such a disappointed expression, then you say, “You’re just arguing because you know I’m right. Stop being so stubborn.” You say it like you know me better than I know myself. Then I have to laugh it off because that’s what I do. I don’t get hurt. I don’t get mad.

You constantly criticize me. “You HAVE to remember to charge your phone” “You look SO BAD with makeup on” “You use WAY too much chap stick” “DON’T go to private school” I made the mistake of telling you I might want to be a songwriter. I should’ve known you’d respond with your usual “you’ve got to be kidding me” laugh and a hearty, “ But you’d be TERRIBLE at that.” I shared that deep hope with you. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much when I had to laugh it off. Because that’s who I am. I don’t get hurt. I don’t get mad.

I’ve always been cracked, but you’re the one who broke me. So this is my early goodbye. I still have to live a lie until graduation, but that’s only a year away. I’ve been faking our friendship for this long, so I can wait until I don’t have to go to the same school as you.

Maybe I’ll make new friends at my new school. Maybe I’ll become closer to older friends who make me feel good about myself. All I know is after I graduate, I won’t laugh it off anymore. Because that won’t be who I am. Who I have to be. I can get hurt. I can get mad. Just not right now.

From the bottom of my blackened heart,

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