my secret from my family

for A LONGGGG time i have struggled with finding myself, what i mean by that is my “preference”

every since my sexual abuse i have had a hard time being myself, part of that comes from the fear of being judged and shunned my peers, adults, coaches, teammates and more so family. my first time seeking out my preference was in 7th grade which my mom saw thru texts in my phone from another girl, which is when the truth about me being abused by my uncle came out, i rm that day like it was yesterday and i often think about that time and the abuse it’s like it’s imbedded in my head, even at my happiest moments i somehow end up thinking about one of the worse things that have happen to me

moreover i have had difficulty trusting men, and overtime my trust has developed but it’s hard when boys these days attempt to use you for sexual pleasure and it disgusts me , i find myself seeking attention from the same sex which is very conflicting for me .... i feel very guilty when i’m talking to a female because of my religious veiws and family morals, even if i feel happy with that person it eats me alive on the inside which is why it never last i always break it off before it gets too deep. i honestly feel like i can’t talk to anyone about this and it killing me, even after writing it down i don’t feel better , i can’t talk to my twin sister about it because it is toooo awkward and very uncomfortable, ik one day if i still have these feelings i will eventually tell my mom then family and face the consequences behind it .. tbh i feel like my family will cut me off or be very mad / disappointed with me then eventually come around... hell who knows but i have another year left til i’m off to college even then i will still somewhat be under my mothers care so idk maybe if i get in a serious relationship then that will be the right time, but i’m gear for college because i can be myself and truly understand what i like, even tho i still fear being judged