Help me

Before i got any further i would just like to ask not to be brutally judged i know what I’m about to say next is a tigger for some....

Three years ago i had an abortion i had just had my youngest she was about 8 months old i had just really found out my son had autism who was about 4 at the time and we were financially unstable because i lost my job and had just started working another that wasn’t paying much of anything so i went through with it because i thought that’s what was best and about a year after that i had another because this time he was saying he didn’t want to have any more kids and i felt that with my sons diagnosis getting worse maybe i shouldn’t have anymore now here i am at 7:35am crying because we had an argument and his words to me was “you’re not a good mom all you’re good for is aborting kids” he has no idea that for months when he went to work i would hear a baby crying I’ve had nightmares of holding a baby then it just disappear i would love to have more kids and for a while we were trying but then he also said “i only did it to shut you up” we’ve been together for 7yrs now we’ve both stepped out at one point and time but i thought things were getting better years later i still cry about it and i still hear phantom baby cores i still get sad when i see pregnant women and I’ve even thought about ending my life because I’m mentally the pain is a lot to bare on top of dealing with other things i just feel useless i feel like an evil person I’m not looking for sympathy i just need to let this out i am deeply sorry for what i did and I’ve asked god for forgiveness but i can not even forgive myself i still hear the machine i even can still hear the doctor saying “you’re doing great” what an oxymoron i am a murderer and i am selfish if it weren’t for my two living kids I’m not sure what I’d do to myself i am afraid of myself i am a monster what he said was so hurtful