Struggling

I think it’s finally time to admit that I’m not coping as well I make out. I have a six month old son who I love more than anything, and a boyfriend who was the perfect person to start a family with, but I’m just struggling a little bit with the day to day.

My boyfriend works 6 days a week and is usually out of the house 9am-6pm on those days. When he comes home, he does help out, but his job is very intense so he likes to take a bit of time for himself when he gets in, which is fine, I understand that. I stay home with baby during the day, which is far from what I ever imagined doing. I did want kids and they were part of our plan, but I got pregnant last year whilst on birth control so you can imagine that we were pretty shocked. I was happy, of course, but I realise now that I wasn’t ready.

Our little boy is an absolute dream to be around most of the time, he’s very happy and cheeky and playful which I love. But like any baby he has his moments, and it’s during those that I just get totally overwhelmed. When he gets overtired or has trapped gas and just cries that high pitched constant whine, my stress levels go through the roof. Add some hair pulling or some of that crazy wriggling they insist on doing when you’re trying to get their wind, and I just melt down crying. I can feel myself getting angry at the situation like it is literally bubbling up inside me.

I usually put babes down in his rocker, take a breather, and go back to him, which helps. But other times I can’t control it, and I’ll punch a wall or yell or throw something, which makes me more upset because I know I’m better than that. I get to a point in the day where I just feel...numb.

Part of the problem is also physical. At barely 5ft and 90lbs, I’m not a big woman at all. Baby is 17lbs- literally a fifth of my size. Picking him up all day is exhausting and gets painful. My neck, arms, and back, are in bits by the evening time, and I’m honestly dreading him getting any bigger. I just can’t even imagine how I’m going to cope trying to change his nappy when he’s twice the size he is now and wriggling like a lunatic. How am I supposed to pick him up when he’s half my body weight?

On the surface, I’m doing great. No one really knows that I feel this way, and everyone always comments on how naturally I’ve taken to motherhood, which makes me feel sad and guilty. I’ve brought up a few of these issues with my boyfriend on several occasions and while he tries to be sympathetic, he would give anything to be a stay at home Dad, so he struggles to see why I’m complaining. His job is too well paid for us to swap roles.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I have these difficult moments, and I think about getting some help or seeing what can be done, but when I’m back to feeling on top again I feel silly about the whole thing and convince myself that I’m fine. I’ve always had a slight problem with depression that started in my teens, although I’ve never really told anyone about it, just pushed it down and put on a brave face. No one knows this side of me. I’m the joker, never serious. I don’t want people to think less of me or think I’m weak 😒