Well I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe to help me think things through. Or maybe to hear I’m not alone and the way I’m feeling is normal... I have no idea... but here it goes....

My met my husband in 2015. We fell in love right away. He was so funny! Like seriously I’d laugh until I’d cry! I couldn’t imagine life without him! He was sweet, caring, encouraging, handsome, just pretty much all around amazing!

So they say we started “dating” I pretty much moved in and never left! Lol 6 weeks later we were at the court house saying “I do”. We kissed at 11:11. It seriously couldn’t have been anymore perfect! Three weeks later we found out I was pregnant! Omg we were so happy! So I quit my job to be a stay at home mom! (This decision was one we both made together) he was working nights through a temp agency and we were living in a not so good neighborhood with his mom in a two bedroom house. His twin brother was living there too so me and my husband were sleeping in the living room. It was definitely not easy not having any privacy. It was hard to adjust to being married so quickly.

My husband had a child before we got together and at the time we got married his son was 3( just turned 3) well when we found out I was pregnant his ex lost it! She had it set out to ruin our relationship and he was pretty much letting her! Three months into our marriage the fighting was so bad we split for a month. Filled out divorce papers and everything!

We decided to work out our issues and keep our growing family together. We find out we are having a boy and couldn’t be happier. But the fighting didn’t stop. It was just about dumb things. Every little thing ended up being a fight. I would either yell back or some days just agree so I didn’t have to hear it. Our son was born early. 6 weeks to be exact. That week we spent in the NICU was so hard. So my husband lost his job. (He quit) his mother moved out and so did his brother. So we decided to make this 2 bedroom house into our own (the best we could) we talked about it being temporary and about the dreams and goals we wanted for our lives! But even talking about it he never tried to look for a job.

He finally found one after fighting about it for so long but once again it was just through a temp agency but had the potential to become full time with really amazing pay! We could finally get out of the horrible neighborhood we live in! Around the 2nd month of my sons life he got super sick. He was finally admitted in the hospital for RSV at 4 months old. We found out it was such a horrible case of it they thought it was going to be fatal. But a few days in the hospital my son is finally doing better. He was sent home. Since we were in the hospital for so long my husband was terminated from his job. He promised to get another one but never really tried. Just an application here and there.

We started fighting really bad. To the point my husband ended up freaking out and hitting me and thrashing out entire house. That night was a month after our one year anniversary and he ended up going to jail. I was so over it. But a few days later I bailed him out and let him come back under the condition we were going to counseling and fixing our marriage.

The counseling worked. We were closer then we ever wore! He got a job and had been working there for a good 8 months (that’s the longest he has kept a job since we have been married) I could see things working out for the better for us! We talked about expanding our family. We never fought and if we did we were able to talk it through. We were seriously the definition of best friends! He was the man I fell in love with! We had date nights! Random late night conversations and cuddles! It was a fairytale! Then we found out we were pregnant!!! Omg we were so excited!!!! And this time with a girl! Then he ended up losing his job because some paper work was not turned in. (It was through a government program) him not having a job has really irritated me but it could be worse right! He has always supported us. (He works for our landlord under the table so everything he makes isn’t on paper so we can’t use it to better our lives.) he seems ok with where he is at.

Then I go into labor and our daughter is born. I have no idea why but now we are so distant. We don’t talk and we really don’t try to talk to each other. We try to go different places or go places without one another. I really feel I’m not happy anymore. I don’t think he will ever get a job to help support our family. (And if I am getting one I’m leaving. We made a plan about me being the home maker and him working. I have kept up to my end of the deal. I do all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, literally everything and he never helps. Even when he doesn’t work) I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one to do the things I say I will. If I want to do things I have to ask for the money. Which I kinda understand we are low on the money and I’m bad a over spending. But I literally have to ask him for diapers for our kids. And he waits until the very last second to get it. I really feel trapped. But he goes out and buys whatever he wants whenever he wants the second he wants it. But if I want to spend anything I pretty much have to make a PowerPoint with the details of why it’s needed. (Not literally but that’s how I feel) then if I get it it gets thrown in my face. I feel like if I bring up him talking to me rudely I’m “bitching” or the way he treats me I’m “lying and making things up in my head” so what’s the point in even talking about how I feel. Not like it matters right? What I’m doing now I could do on my own. So why be talked down to every day? Why be the only one holding up to my end of the deal! Why sit here feeling unloved and unwanted everyday? And then if I try to change it he gives me one word answers. The only reply I ever get from him is “sure”, “if you want too” “yes” or “no” and that’s seriously it. He keeps his headphones in his ears at all times so we don’t have to talk. And if I bring up him getting a job he brings up me not having one. But of course I don’t do anything at all. Even though I’m the one to cook, clean, do all the laundry, all the shopping (food). I make sure everything he needs done is done before he needs it done. But why do it if “I never do anything” im probably just over it. I don’t even know if I want to be the one to put energy into fixing this. I tried to tell him how I feel but it of course turned into a fight. And somehow it was all my fault. I filled out some applications. Why idk... maybe so I can leave if I wanted too. I don’t really know where I stand in my own feelings but I guess I just needed to get my feelings out!

If you read this all the way through I really appreciate it.