The day is coming ....

After my chemical I thought "the next time will be better" so when I got my positive I was so excited. I carried my baby for 9 weeks even though the heart stopped at 7. I was so excited thinking that I was actually going to be able to celebrate Mother's Day this year... now it's about to come and I won't be celebrating for myself.

My next Dr apt was the worst. I suffer from anxiety and used to have panic attacks. Sitting in my drs office waiting room which is very small , everyone surrounded me with huge belly's and crying newborns. Listening to their stories of how uncomfortable they were. How I'd give anything to be uncomfortable , but all I could do is stare at my phone so that that's not all that I see. Knowing that I was bleeding because I had just lost my child.

If that wasn't bad enough being such a small dr office I was put in the very same room where I first had my ultrasound just 2 weeks before. Where I got to see my baby and a little heartbeat. When I thought everything was going to be ok this time. All I can do is ask "why me" "is this going to happen again" ... all I can think for next time is not to tell anyone until I am way further along.

Not just my husband and I go through this loss but everyone we told. So why put everyone through this again.