Dear you

I want to begin by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I ended our relationship. I’m sorry for how I expressed my words that day and made you feel like there was no turning back. But mostly, what im truely sorry for is giving up on us so soon. I was thinking so much that day, before everything happened, I was questioning things between us, I was doubting us so much that I thought that ending our relationship would be much easier for the both of us. I really thought we weren’t happy because of the lack communication and effort we had.

But all this time I was blindsided.

Before I decided to break things off I had to convince myself that you weren’t good enough for me and well...that was so easy to do. I reminded myself of the times you prefer to play your games than spend your time with me. I remind myself of all the times you showed up late to our dates or make up an excuse for not replying back. I reminded myself of how you continue to drink even tho I specifically told you how much alcohol has affect my entire life. I kept on reminding myself that I deserved someone better. And once I was finally convinced, the idea of breaking up with you became a lot easier... Or that’s what I thought.

After we broke up, I cried so much, so so much.

Next day, it was even worse. I had to locked myself in the bathroom and cry there so no one could hear me. The day after that, I started playing sad songs and continue to cry, but this time out loud. And the day and day and day after that, I cried myself to sleep every night.

... And I still do, believe me.

It’s been exactly one month since we broke up, and things are not getting easier at all.

Wanna know why? Well because of how I said before, I was blindsided this whole time.

Since day one of our relationship, I got told you weren’t good enough for me, that you weren’t stable, you were not independent, you were lazy, had not aspirations, dreams, goals, nothing. Just your games and your alcohol.

And this stick by me throughout our whole relationship. This was like a CD record playing in my mind over and over again. So really, because of this, I forgot to see what truly was happening in the moment.

You were an incredible person to me. You treat me right all the time, you were patient and caring and loving. So why did I let you go?

I loved you and I still do.

You never judged me and never stop proving to me how much you cared for me.

You did put effort, I just decided not to see it.

For that, I am so sorry.

All this time I was waiting for you to one day wake up and realise everything I have done for you, for us to work out... but I forgot to wake up myself and realise that in fact, I was the one letting you go, pushing you away, I was the one holding back and not letting you into my life. I was the one who gave up on us. Not you.

But there’s nothing I can do now.

I’m sorry.