Perspective?

Question

Hi. I was recently talking with my therapist and she gave me some really alarming insight. I’m scared if it’s true. I’d like to hear your opinion. 
I have a boyfriend of about 6 months. We were in love, the crazy kind that makes one obsessed. We both felt this way, but lately we’ve been distant. 
You see, I have either depression or bipolar disorder. I self harm sporadically. Back in February, I cut so badly I needed to go to the ER. This was when he witnessed the depths of mental disorders. He supported me and picked me up when I felt down. But lately, when I’m down, he gets distant. I realize it’s taxing, to say the least. But it hurts when you realize something you can’t control is hurting someone you love. 
Another factor that might be contributing to it is sex. Because we’re teenagers, we can’t get together too often. As such, we use facetime to *film ourselves,* if you get the gist. He has a much higher libido than I do, as when I find myself feeling down, I can’t bring myself to do anything, much less be sexy. He has always stressed that I can say no without explanation, because that is reason enough. However, lately he gets distant and irritable when I say no. I know it’s not something he wants to hear, but it hurts. He has said that as long as we facetime two times a week, he’s okay. I think that this is a pretty high bar to set. 
I want your opinions. Please leave a comment?

Answer

If you are depressed and someone becomes distant it’s usually because they just don’t know what to do. They don’t know what to say or how to help you, so they don’t say or do anything. It also gets really tiring for the other person. Just like depression gets really fucking exhausting for us when we deal with it - it does for the people trying to help you deal with it too. My friends did the same thing with me until I explained to them EXACTLY what would be helpful - and it’s usually “just talk to me. Distract me. Tell me jokes. Talk about your day. Give me math problems, like literally anything that will make me focus on that and not my brain.” So maybe try telling him EXACTLY what he should do or try to do. 
With the sex... idk. People have sexual needs. It’s easier for some people to give up than it is for others. But you also shouldn’t do something for him if it’s going to make you feel more upset. You have to put yourself and your mental health first. And sometimes that means going your separate ways - if your and his needs are not compatible with each other then one or both of you will not be happy. You also have to realize that not every partner you have will be equipped to deal with your mental health. Yes, it’s frustrating. But again, it’s hard on them just like it is on us and it’s not fair to drag someone else down with you. Not saying you need to break up but this is something you guys really need to have a serious conversation about. 
And not sure if you already have or not - but maybe you could TRY and be sexy or whatever even when you aren’t in the mood. Masturbation is actually a great way to distract yourself or release stress, and you may find that once you get into it that it’s helpful. My psychiatrist always tells me that I can’t wait around until I’m in the mood to do something (like go hang out with friends, or do activities I used to enjoy) because that “mood” may never come. And it’s not good to isolate yourself or avoid things that you used to find fun - that’s exactly what your depression wants you to do. So honestly, try it a couple times, see if it helps. If it doesn’t or it makes you feel worse - absolutely, you can stop. For me personally, I found that going out with friends when I didn’t feel like it was extremely unhelpful... but doing something like writing poetry or painting or even masturbating when I didn’t feel like it was helpful. That might not be the same for you- but what have you got to lose by trying? 
All this stuff may or may not be a deal breaker for your relationship. I don’t know. But if it is - it’s not necessarily a bad thing. In a relationship you are worrying about yourself PLUS your partner, and that can be added stress and energy drainage as opposed to focusing 100% on yourself.

Answer

I have been through the same thing, honestly you don’t need to be in a relationship if you’re dealing with mental issues, because things like this will occur. You will blame yourself and you’re significant other will be confused and also blame themselves.

Perspective?

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