Getting over him

Hey y’all- this is a long one and I need some advice

A year ago (legit last May), the guy who I thought the man of my dreams, we’ll call him N, broke up with me and I was heartbroken. We dated for almost a full year too. He would make me so happy and laugh and if we got in a fight, we would talk through it. He was the first to say I love you and I returned it right back because we both felt that way. We were each other’s firsts for a lot of things. We also met in the best way too; we met through Pokémon go because I was walking through town and he was about to leave from Pokémon hunting on his motorcycle and he stopped me to ask if I was playing and we talked for an hour and exchanged info and then we went on a few dates and officially started dating. I felt so comfortable and happy with him so fast. It felt natural.

Anywayyy, we broke up because he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me and didn’t want to lead me on but I was still the perfect girl and a dream girl. He also said he didn’t know how to help me with my depression (I have bad depression and am allergic (highly) to the main ingredients in most antidepressants (found out the hard way lol) and he said he needed to focus on himself. I now realized all the stress I probably put him through with it and I should have tried to get help but I was so nervous they’d put me back on meds and I would have another reaction. Also to add, he was about to move at the time (it would have been like an extra ten minute drive between us, nbd) and he was one semester from graduating (computer science at Montclair). We did go on two more dates after we broke up too see if anytime would change, but it didn’t and honestly I think it made me more heart broken because I thought I would have him back. Continuingggg— we would text for a while after that and a lot of the times it would end with me apologizing for not being what he wanted and we probably stopped texting around September. I regret acting that way when we would text but I’d get so sad bc I missed him . To quickly add, N told me he was doing a project on an app for his last semester for gravitational waves because he found it super interesting ever since I told him about it ANNND one the the people that worked gravitational wave theory works at Montclair as a professor. (I’m a huge science nerd and when the gravitational wave thing happened I wouldn’t stfu about it. He knew how super into it I was.) I found it kinda weird he’d do it on something I was so into and this is a few months after we broke up. Anyway— Though after New Years I was like “new year lemme just see how he is” after not talking for a few months. I’d be lying to say there wasn’t a part of me that wanted him back because I’d take him back but I just wanted to see how he was cuz we’d both check in on one another every week or few weeks. Anyway the conversation was good and at the end of it I asked if we could check in on another once again every once in a while. He said something amount the line of “yeah I guess but I’m letting you know I’m seeing someone right now and I’m taking it slow because I learned.” It hurt really bad that he said that but I said “of course! I’ll talk to you later!” and handled it as maturely as I can. But I haven’t texted him since because I wanted to see if he’d ever text me but he hasn’t. (Plus he said he was seeing someone, soooo that wouldn’t be cool to ruin it for him or the other girl and plus I wouldn’t want that to happen to me but idk if he’s still seeing her)

Anyway around January (a few weeks after I last texted N) I started to date this one guy after 6 months of being alone (we’ll call him D) and we’re still dating however he was a tinder hoe before we dated and he has/had trouble adjusting to the relationship and made me give him a deadline to get use to us and I said June because he wouldn’t drop it. His personality is weird because sometimes he’s a sweetheart but than other times he’s being a complete dick. He still has tinder and I know he doesn’t talk to other girls on it but it others me. To add with D, I have troubles talking to him because I find it super hard to open up to a new person but he also doesn’t really open up.

Anyway the other day D said something to annoy and upset me and during that time I couldn’t stop about N and how well he treated me and how much I miss him and I realized I wasn’t over him. But it’s been over a year and I feel dumb and lame. I would never text him because of D and me dating him but I still miss N so much.

Also to add my coworker’s brother is super good friends with N and she told me about how the other week her, her boyfriend, her mom and Dad, and her brother and N all went out to a rangers game and how N had some alcohol (like the big one you’d see at a hockey game) and I don’t remember him being a light weight (but he also didn’t drink around me much bc he was 2 yers older than me and I wasn’t old enough yet) buttt he was talking about me and asking how I was doing and told her I was a good girl. This was about two months ago maybe. I love my coworker. She has been there for me so much and she’s honestly so funny and I really appreciated that she told me that but there is a part of me that wishes she didn’t because now in my head all I think “does he finally regret it?? Should I confront him??” Anyway after she told me that she said she didn’t know what to say other than I was good. I told her back if that ever happens again my number hasn’t changed and he can ask me personally.

But I am in a relationship with a D right now and I love him but I’m not in love with him like I was with N and I think the deadline thing doesn’t helping and the way he acts sometimes. (D is lazy and I can be lazy but I love going out and doing stuff).

I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist but I’m really nervous and I don’t know what to do. I’ve cried to my mom about this multiple times and I need some new voices to give me some advice in hopefully getting over N even tho I’m probably still in love with him.

TL;DR, I need advice in getting over my ex who broke up with me over a year ago.