Dear ex boyfriend

Dear ex boyfriend, I still love you. I don't think that will ever end. I am sorry for breaking up with you and breaking your heart, but you hurt me. You hurt me so bad, and I will never be the same.

I know what you did was wrong, but times I forget what you did and wonder why I left. And then I think back and realize its been happening since the beginning.

We still talk, and the only reason we do is because you make me think You're gonna hurt yourself. And you have no one else. I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I don't want you to be alone. But we aren't even together, and you're still doing the things that I told you that were wrong. You still get onto my facebook, and my messages. I can see that you are, it tells me. And you straight up tell me you don't. Even tho you hint at it, and say things that I texted to people. I know what you're doing I see you.

We Talk about why we arent together and you go off and try to make it seem like its all your fault (it is) and you cry and try to make me feel bad. I do feel bad, and then I forget why I left for a little bit. But I tell you why I left, I don't always say every little thing because I know whatever I say you're going to say you're a fuck up and need to just disappear. You say you did it because you were scared to lose me, even tho you knew that if you kept doing it you would lose me.

I love you, this is so hard on me. It hurts me because I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to be one of those people in your life that made you feel like shot. That made you feel like you weren't good enough. You always said that's how you were treated, I did every thing in my power to prove that was wrong. But, you never saw it, or cared. You said you never say anything. That all I did was make you feel like shit.

It breaks my heart more and more when you says bad thing about yourself. I know people have told me to stop talking to you, and I wish I had the power too. But I am worried about you.

I wish that one day we could get back together, but I know that wont be any time soon. I won't take you back until the emotionally and mental abuse stops. I know its gonna be a mess and you're gonna make me feel like total shit once I start hanging out with friends.

But you need to understand that I love you, and I love you enough to know that this isnt healthy. You need help, and maybe its just because you arent happy with me. I am not the one for you. I am your first girlfriend.

You follow in what your mom does and how she treats her boyfriends, because your dad isnt in your life. You mom has 5 kids of her own from all different dads. You have many many many half siblings. You all think your mom is amazing because she had five kids. She is strong but she's abusive. Threatening to kill herself every time something doesnt go her way. She has trackers on her boyfriends phone and if he smile he most be cheating there is nothing he can do right at all. She blamed me of ruining your family and that it was my plan all along to make herself kill herself. Even tho she and the rest of your family threatened to beat me up, and kill me. But you never said a thing to that.

So I know what's wrong is something that happened growing up in this family. I am sorry i wasn't strong enough to go throw the abuse. But I promise you it'll affect me for the rest of my life.

I love you, but I am sorry I cant be with you. I will forever and always be here to help and support you. But I can't be your girlfriend. I am sorry.

I know I am a horrible person.